House of Cards by K. Pinson

everyone’s fucking joke.
    “Shortly after your dad passed away. Something happened…something bad. I fucked up . You didn’t deserve it…but the selfish part of me thought that when you woke up from the hospital asking for me, that I could fix it. I could make you forget about it, well, if you ever got your memory back, and I could make you love me again. I had this delusion that the only reason we broke up was because of my mistake and had it not been for that, we would have been married by now; you and me against the world, like we had planned when we were young. Now I see…we were never meant to be. Not for the long haul.” I raise my hand to silence her. I don’t know how much more of this I can hear. The conviction in her voice tells me that she knows a lot more than I do about my situation. That in itself is enough to drive me fucking mad. True to Krissi fashion, she doesn’t give a fuck that I attempt to silence her. She takes another calming inhale and starts again.
    “You and she belong together. She does shit for you that I’ll never be able to - I’ve heard that from both your family and your friends. They pretty much hate me right now and I understand it, but I couldn’t miss taking this chance. I couldn’t stop myself from this opportunity to temporarily erase the past and just see… but the spark between us is gone. It’s fucked up for me to keep playing this charade for you in hopes that you will love me the way that I crave. I realize now that you can’t. Your heart belongs to someone else. It fucking kills me to the core to admit that, though.” She attempts to laugh, anything to get the tears that haven’t stopped streaming down her face since she began talking to stop. She’s never been the type of girl to show pain. She usually just grins and bares it, not wanting her confidence to be outwardly diminished. Confusion is still gripping me hard, but I smile anyway. Not one that reaches fully to my eyes. Just a small, sad smile - one that says ‘goodbye.’
    “I hope that your memory returns to you , Dax. I really wish all the best for you. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I did this to you…to her. I promise to stay away.” She said the last phrase with as much conviction as her shaky voice would allow. I couldn’t tell her to stay. I couldn’t ask her to still be a part of my life. I needed to figure myself out again. I needed the truth and now I know what I’ve been feeling in my heart all along, that she is not a part of the plan. No more words are exchanged between the two of us. I stand up and she follows suit. I give her one of my hugs, not letting it linger. When we part, I grab my acoustic and walk out the front door without turning back. I know that she needs to collect her things and I don’t want to get in her way. I just need some fresh air, so I walk. I go to the only place that makes me feel fully alive; a place where I can breathe again.
    When I reach the dock, I stare out into the water. It would be so easy to sink down inside of it and let myself go. To succumb to the internal darkness that is bubbling to the surface. I’ve tried to stay as calm and cool as possible throughout all this bullshit but I’m only one person. I can’t carry the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore. It seems like no matter what decision that I make in life, someone is going to be hurt by it in the end.
    I ’m beyond confused. I don’t know how the fuck to feel, what the hell to do, or who the fuck to talk to it about. Even though she told me everything, I am having such a hard time hating her like one would think I should. Maybe it’s because I already hated her at one point and those feelings have long disappeared. I still haven’t gone to see the angel girl and tell her that I know the truth. Mainly because my memory still hasn’t returned and this is all just hearsay, but also a small part of me is shaking in my boots, fuckin' afraid.
    I know I need to man up, but