How to Raise a Jewish Dog by Rabbis of Boca Raton Theological Seminary, Barbara Davilman Page B

certainly
     no patent leather after Labor Day.
Retractable Leads
    A retractable lead is a dog leash on a spring-loaded reel. It plays out or winds back in, depending on where the dog is.
    Unlike a conventional leash, therefore, this one can extend out to fifteen feet, at which point the dog can suddenly start
     running around a tree or a person before the lead can retract. The result is that you get literally all tied up with the person
     or the tree, plus you have a crazy dog attached and still running around.
    In other words, this kind of lead offers the owner raising a Jewish dog many, many opportunities to be victimized by the dog.
     So it’s perfect.

    Long retractable leash entangling a stranger. Rabbi Monica pretends she’s really sorry.
Muzzles
    Muzzles are masks of strapping or leash material formed into a kind of basket shape, to be fitted over the dog’s mouth to
     prevent it from barking or biting.
    A dog being raised Jewish should have no need of a muzzle. Such a dog will be too busy wondering whether its owner approves
     of what it’s doing to bite anyone, and too busy consoling its owner for the owner’s failure if it starts barking. We can skip
     this piece of equipment entirely.
Harnesses
    A harness fits around the dog’s chest, and is often worn instead of a collar for holding the leash and the tags.
    Otherwise, the harness is for the husky, who has to drag sleds across the North Pole, or some other kind of dog that has to
     perform laborious physical work for a living. Does that sound like a dog being raised Jewish? Of course not.
Bark Collars
    These collars work by zapping the dog with a mild electric shock when she barks. They are often used by owners whose neighbors
     complain about the dog’s “excessive” barking.
    Please. A dog being raised Jewish does not bark excessively. It might
worry
excessively, but you’re not going to give the dog an electric shock for that.
Invisible Fencing
    This means of “training” the dog to stay within the boundaries of a certain piece of property consists of an electronic collar,
     like the bark collar, that is tuned via radio frequencies, or something, to an array of sensors planted around the periphery
     of the area. Whenever the dog threatens to cross the boundary, he is hit with an electric jolt. With certain breeds, they
     can be very effective—yes, effective at turning the dog into a prisoner and your home into a prison. Don’t even talk to us
     about these.
Tags
    Collars are used to hold the dog license and rabies inoculations tags, as well as tags showing general information about the
     dog’s name and home address. Such a dog tag, no matter how complete its information, is barely sufficient, the world being
     what it is. When it comes to raising a Jewish dog, remember that it is always better to imagine the worst, and then panic,
     and then realize you’re being silly, and then plan for the worst, than to do nothing or, indeed, anything else.
    Therefore your dog should also have an electronic identification chip, which is usually implanted (in an outpatient procedure)
     under the skin on her shoulder. It can be scanned by a special gun to reveal the dog’s name, address, and so forth. Think
     about having two of them implanted, in case one malfunctions. And three, of course, is even better.
    It’s also a good idea to equip the dog with another collar, of the LoJack variety, which emits a constant radio beacon, in
     case the dog is kidnapped or runs away. Note that
both of these possibilities are extremely unlikely
for a dog being raised Jewish. The dog will feel guilty if it even thinks about running away, and it will barely be out of
     your sight long enough to be kidnapped. But why take chances?
Signs
    When you first acquire the dog, use either your home computer or one at a local copy center to create an attractive flyer
     with the dog’s photograph, name, and address, with the caption “NOT MISSING
YET
.” Distribute these to every