I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that by The Betches Page B

to go out with this person. If he fucking sucks, casually mention you have a boyfriend, but if he seems chill, you should let him buy you a drink. If he doesn’t offer to buy you a drink, especially if your vodka soda is mainly ice, ditch him and find a gentleman.
    The power move is to talk to this guy for no more than thirty minutes, then casually tell him you’re leaving to go to another bar with your friends. Don’t give him too much attention or he’ll think yours isn’t worth much. A drunken make-out isn’t a huge deal, but definitely leave it at that, and only if this is the last stop on your quest for love for the night. DO NOT fucking take any guy you just met home with you. Ideally your first encounter gets him intrigued, but as a rule of thumb you should exit at the crescendo of your conversation and always leave him wanting more. If he wants to see you again he will ask for your number, and the games will begin. (If he does not ask for your number, he does not want to see you again. Move along.)
    Okay, so now he has your number. The need to be at the peak of your game has never been more important. Because it’s 2016 and most men aren’t trying to call you or show up to your door to ask you out in person, most of this shit is annoyingly done through text. It’s okay, though, because as you’ll see this has its advantages and disadvantages.
    Inspirational Hard-to-Get Betch: Cinderella
    Cinderella was really poor and she like, didn’t get out much. Scrubbing floors is not betchy but when she finally got a makeover by her stylist Fairy Godmother she made sure to take the opportunity to get blackout and go to the biggest singles event of the season. It only took one night out for her to meet Prince Charming, which is kind of a misnomer because after all, it was her elusive charm that had him hooked. She gave the prince a couple of dances, got wasted and lost her shoe, then peaced-out without even saying good-bye. This was a truly betchy move, and she had the prince so obsessed with finding her that he toured the kingdom just to return her fucking shoe. Moral of the story: Be elusive, and he will think you’re worth chasing.
FLIRTING VIA TEXT
    For betches, the dating world can be a scary place. From creepy guys who seem normal at first to funny guys who are secretly poor, it’s sometimes hard to spot the keepers among the unfaithful Wall Street pros on this journey of love and not doing work. But even scarier than the prospect of contracting HPV—not scary anymore, there’s a vaccine—is the potential for the silent relationship killer: Awkward Texting Dynamic (ATD).
    The bro with ATD might even be normal in person,but after less than a week of talking to him via the written word you realize he’s useless as a texter. This will inevitably become a dealbreaker as he’s managed to fuck up your chief form of communication. Honestly, in many cases we’d prefer a guy have a crooked dick than consistently use the wrong form of “you’re” in conversation. Let’s break down the ways that a guy can ruin his prospects with you via his ATD.
Too Sarcastic for Real Conversation
    In an attempt by both of you to show off how clever and insightful you are, you are trying to one-up each other with sarcastic comments as varied in subject matter as the reasons why Ibiza is really overrated. Eventually the need to consistently one-up each other leads to such an intense breakdown of the conversation that you have no clue what the fuck this guy is even talking about.
    Him: Well I’d meet you at that bar but I’m pretty sure they won’t let in people with as amazing a haircut as mine.
    You: Haha well you can try giving the bouncer one of your famous hugs.
    Him: But really, should we put all our eggs in one basket?
    At this point, no one knows what is going on. Is this bro coming to meet you or not? Should you answer this weirdtext or hope he follows up clarifying what his actual plan is? Too much sarcasm spoils the