I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that by The Betches Page A

challenge in approaching the unapproachable like, “You don’t look like you’re having fun,” or some other annoying pickup line. Avoid those men. They’re not interested in you, they’re just mistaking your misery for low self-esteem and figure you’ll be an easy lay. Again, the uglier you are, the more important smiling will be.
    There are two types of smilers in this world. The Julia Robertses and the Kristen Stewarts. Julia will smile and the entire room lights up. Kristen on the other hand will smile and it’s a crapshoot. If she’s genuinely happy, her smile will make her look even prettier. If she’s forcing it, though, she’ll look like she just realized she needs to put in a tampon. Know which you are. If you’re a KStew, smiling at guys across a room is almost always unnatural and awkward. So here’s a super-useful tip: Stop ignoring everything your friend is saying for just a minute and engage, genuinely laugh at what they say and then, as your laugh transitions into a smile, glance over at the guy and stay on him for twoseconds. When you feel your fake happiness start to fade, immediately look away and continue as you were, fake listening to your bestie.
    Three Besties or Less Rule: If you’re going out with a ginormous fucking gaggle of girls and you’re all huddled in the corner, no guy is going to approach any of you. Why would he risk embarrassing himself in front of twelve hot girls? It’s rare that a guy has enough confidence to do this and if he does, he’s most likely a huge douche lord. And if he doesn’t, he’s afraid that when he tries to say hello you’re going to roll your eyes in his face and when he walks away, all sad and shit, your friends are all going to laugh at him in unison. I mean, who’s he kidding? Less far-fetched things have happened.
    If you’re trying to get a guy to hit on you, chill with no more than two girls at a time and preferably just one wingwoman. No one is trying to earn the nickname “awkward bar creeper” because he got shot down in front of judgmental assholes, a.k.a. your BFFs.
    The Ideal Wingbetch: The ideal wingwoman genuinely wants you to meet a guy and hopes for the best for you. She’s not afraid to (privately) tell you when you’re being a bitch or too fucked up to function and will tell any guy who flirts with you how amazing you are (subtly, of course, you don’t want these bros to think the two of you are dating). Beware of the wingwoman who “secretly” hopes for your failure and will try to cock-block or sabotage your chanceswith a guy because she’s jealous of you, can’t help her endless thirst for male attention, or is just selfishly trying to keep you unattached.
Good Wingbetch
Shitty Wingbetch
Introduces you to a guy you said was hot since you’re shy and awkward.
Tells the guy you think is hot that you’re shy and awkward.
Convinces the rest of your friends to chill at this bar for a little because you’re hitting it off with someone.
Tells you everyone is leaving without you in two seconds if you don’t stop talking to this guy.
Reminds you privately to smile and take your birth control.
Reminds the guy to wear a condom.
Gets herself a drink once she sees you two are getting along.
Starts talking about herself and bitching once she sees you two are getting along.
    So, let’s pretend that by now he’s managed to successfully single you out and get your attention long enough for a one-on-one conversation. Keep it light and talk about topics like why you’re at this bar (don’t say because it’s cheap and you’re broke AF), where he went to school (try not to cringe when his alma mater has the word “state” in it), and how cute your new necklace is (very, duh). Try and talk about positive things, as no one wants to hear you, say, talking shit about how bored you are because everyone at this bar isweird, for instance. Also, this goes without saying: Make sure you don’t talk about other guys if you actually want