In Favour of Fools: A Science Fiction Comedy (These Foolish Things Book 1) by J Battle Page A

by speed of light restrictions.
    Far more than these twenty-one had been visited, of course. Over the fifteen years since the process was perfected, more than a thousand planets had been investigated. Most of those were unsuitable for a host of reasons, even though they were all situated in the supposed Goldilocks zone; not too hot, and not too cold; just right. On many, the atmosphere was not just right, or there was insufficient surface water; or too much water. There was no need to consider terraforming these planets, as there was always somewhere else with a better chance of providing the good life.
    Two days after the departure of Mr. Masters, that day’s probe set off for a planet orbiting a star some fifty or so light years from Earth. The Intergalactic Search and Settlement Bureau had a fine-tuned system that resulted in daily probes being sent to promising planets to seek out future potential colonies.
    Each day a semi-sentient probe was squirted to the target planet to investigate its viability as a host for mankind’s expanding billions. If things looked good, then a human team would be sent to set up a base and provide a comprehensive report. A positive report would lead to a larger scale landing party, which would live and work on the planet for a full year.
    The ensuing report would be studied and, if no drawbacks were found, the place would be opened up for settlement; both voluntary and imposed.
    The probes were not armed in any way.
    In the words of Magnus Sheckle, the founder of the ISSB: ‘We don’t want our first contact with another intelligent race to be a shooting war.’
    The only defense the probes had was their built-in squirt capability. If they found themselves in any dangerous situation, they could squirt back to the safety of Earth in a matter of seconds.
    On the day in question, the probe left as usual, with no fanfare or ceremony. In fact, no living person was there to see it go; although it was recorded by the ever present CCTV.
    The probe was never heard from again.

Chapter 18 – Then the big squirt
     
    I may have mentioned that I wasn’t very happy to be in the squirtbooth with Strange. To be honest, I wouldn’t have been especially happy to be anywhere with him. The whole situation got much worse when I realised that we were going to squirt together.
    ( To give you an idea of the calibre of person I’m dealing with, Phil had been sitting in the booth with Strange for nearly fifteen minutes before he was able to make this quite remarkable intellectual leap. N.F.) I’d seen The Fly and I didn’t like the idea of swapping cells with Strange; I quite like my cells the way they are, and I didn’t want his bullying mine.
    ‘Can’t we go separately?’ I asked, over the hum.
    ‘Solo squirts cost more.’
    ‘I prefer to go solo.’
    He looked away and sighed.
    There was a quick flashing of the lights and a short burst from a claxon. Then it was all over and we were suddenly a very long way from home.
    I let Strange leave first whilst I took a moment to confirm that I really was myself; I checked the mirror to see if I still had my sunny smile and that I was no taller than when we left our lovely planet. Everything seemed to be as it should be, so I followed Strange out into the concourse.
    It was a large room, with small groups of people dotted about, and over-expensive vending machines offering to fulfil all human needs; it could have been anywhere on Earth. I had the sudden thought that it was all a con and that we’d travelled only locally; that interstellar travel was the stuff of dreams; that I could soon be tucked up in my own comfy bed.
    Then Strange threw his bag over his shoulder and strode towards the exit and reality fell on my shoulders like a pile of wildebeests.
    I trotted after him, trying not to appear as if I was rushing. Then I had to go back for my bag. He was gone before I got anywhere near the exit. There was no customs desk, or any impediment to just walking