Infernal Affairs by Jes Battis

know? Too good to be true, too good for me—just too good in general. And my mind is a snake pit. I don’t want him to see the worst parts.”
    “I think he already has. And he’s still here. That must count for something.”
    “Maybe he just feels sorry for me.”
    “Man, this pity train has a lot of stops, doesn’t it?”
    He laughed. “Fine, fine. I get it. But you understand where I’m coming from, right? Our job is dark and messed up, and it has a high mortality rate. It’s pretty much impossible for us to sustain a relationship with someone. And Miles isn’t normate, but he isn’t quite the same as us, either. He can’t read minds. He can’t dodge bullets.”
    “Would you rather he could? If you’re only willing to date people with a yen for materia, you’re seriously whittling down your choices.”
    “It’s not that. I don’t need him to be psychic, either. I’m just scared that something could go wrong. With me. Something inside. And he won’t be able to understand, because it doesn’t touch him the same way.” He sighed. “I guess I feel like he could still be normal, you know? He could still date a normal guy. He could have a desk job and a nice condo and a real-estate agent for a boyfriend, and then he wouldn’t have to deal with all of this.”
    “I’m pretty sure he wants to deal with all of it, hon. Especially if you come with it. Because, as far as I can tell, he’s a big fan of you and everything related to you. So he’s willing to take on the drama.”
    “But maybe it would be more ethical to just give him an out, you know?”
    I stared at him. “How hard did that demon hit you? Give him an ‘out’? Derrick, guys like Miles don’t come along very often. You don’t want to give him an exit strategy. If anything, you want to strap him to a chair so he doesn’t escape.”
    “Maybe.”
    I tried to smooth my hair for a moment. The effort was a failure. I looked back at Derrick and saw that he was avoiding my gaze by pretending to stare out the window.
    “Just come out with it,” I said. “This is more than a neurotic blip. Something’s banging around in there, and I want to know what it is.”
    He rubbed his swollen eye. “Ouch.”
    “You want some ice?”
    “No. I want a vacation.”
    “Me, too. But it’s not coming. Unless you want to decorate the living room and pretend we’re in a Mexican hostel.”
    “That could be fun.”
    “Stop stalling. Just tell me, or I’ll never go away.”
    “You promise?”
    “Yep.”
    He smiled slightly. Then the expression was gone. The fear returned to his eyes, and he held on tighter to my hand.
    “I’m changing, Tess.”
    I tried to keep my tone neutral. “Changing how?”
    “I’m not sure. I’ve felt it ever since we fought the Iblis. Before that, even. Do you remember when Miles was profiling the crime scene, back at the hotel, and the materia that the Iblis had left behind took control of him?”
    “It’s hard to forget. He called me a stupid fat bitch.”
    “Wow. Did you ever tell him that?”
    “No. I decided to keep that little piece of sunshine under wraps.”
    “Do you remember what happened after that? To me?”
    I nodded. “You channeled some fierce power. You traced a glowing sign in the air, and Miles obeyed you. It was kind of wild. I mean, I’ve felt your power before, but nothing like that.”
    “Did it feel strange to you?”
    “Strange how?”
    “I don’t know. Just—off. Weird.”
    “You’re going to have to give me a little more than that to go on.”
    “It felt like—” He closed his eyes for a moment. “Like someone opened a door inside of me. I didn’t even know that it was there. But now it’s open, and all of this stuff keeps pouring out. And I don’t know how to close it.”
    “What kind of stuff?”
    “I don’t know how to describe it. Pictures. Sounds. Memories. I’m not even sure if they’re my memories or not. I used to get déjà vu a lot, but now it’s like a daily