Kiss Me Like You Mean It by Dr. David Clarke Page A

It’s a weekday morning, and they are getting ready to go their separate ways. The good news is, they’re going to kiss. The bad news is, here’s how they’re going to do it.
    They come together and, standing fairly close, they each say, “Goodbye, honey. Have nice day.” Then, the climactic moment comes, and their two sets of absolutely bone dry lips touch for a millisecond. Or, a nanosecond. Whichever is the briefer.
    They have successfully completed the classic “Pathetic Little Peck Kiss.” It’s really more of a bump than a kiss. The lips are thinned out and hard. A couple of nubs, barely touching. It’s about as exciting as exchanging business cards. No moisture. No fun. No joy. Above all, no passion.
    The “Peck” is the kind of kiss you give to your Aunt Sarah, your mother, or your great-grandmother. It’s polite. It’s appropriate. It’s civilized. Genteel, even. But is the Peck any way to kiss your sweetheart? Your lover? The most wonderful person in the world? Your mate for life? No! It’s not. And, deep down, you know it.
    The sad, truly embarrassing story of the Peck isn’t quite over. This husband and wife go through the day with a longing in their hearts. They love each other so much and miss each other so much . . . that when they see each other again, they follow the same old Peck routine. “Hi, honey, how was your day? Pretty good? Yeah, me too. Come over here.” And the same, dry as dust, nubbed-out lips touch ever so quickly.
    Is this any way to express love? Is this any way to begin an evening of romance and passion? Of course not.

The Poofy Lip Kiss
    To perform the “Poofy Lip Kiss,” the second type of kissing, the husband and wife stand a few feet away from each other. This is kissing while standing as far apart as possible. Not a good start, is it? Then, they lean forward from the waist. They don’t want to wrinkle their clothes! They don’t want to smear the lady’s makeup! They don’t want any other body parts touching! They have enough children, thank you.
    As they lean, they push their necks out as far as possible, and their hands go up in a Barney the Dinosaur, I-have-to-protect-myself kind of way. Their lips are poofed out or bunched and barely graze as the kiss is completed.

The Sound Effect Kiss
    In this third, ridiculous, waste-of-time attempt at a kiss, the man and woman are at home, and one spouse is leaving for a while. He—or she—is going to work, running an errand, taking the kids to school, going jogging. . . . The man and woman are standing twenty—maybe even twenty-five—feet apart. It is a huge, gaping chasm that they can’t hope to cross.
    The leaving spouse turns, and, after saying, “Goodbye, honey,” or, “See you later,” puckers up and makes the sound of a kiss. Is this a real kiss? No! It’s just noise! The spouse being left makes some kind of a goodbye statement and sends a kissing sound back.
    What’s going on here? If this sounds like you, are the two of you acting out some kind of a radio drama? If you are, then you could have some fun and make the sounds of a door opening and closing and a car engine starting. But, instead of a radio drama, you are in real life. You’re saying goodbye to the love of your life! And, when you do that, a real honest-to-goodness kiss is required.
    Do you know what I say? You’re only twenty, twenty-five feet apart! Why don’t you just walk over to each other and put a significant, genuine kiss on each other’s lips? I’ll tell you why. Because you’ve lost the ability to kiss.
    The Dreaded Kiss on the Cheek
    I hesitate to even put down on paper this final, and most miserable, mistake of a kiss. I’ll have to hold my nose while writing, but it must be done. Someone has to save you from yourselves.
    I’ll make this brief. You walk up to your dear spouse, lean in and pucker up for a kiss. Of course, you’re assuming you’ll be kissing on the lips because that’s how most of the civilized world