Millom in the Dock by Frankie Lassut Page A

Sharpo ever go in to
fill up his culture tank and volunteer some time, NOT through the
suggestion of a Judge?”.
    Thank you,
M’lud, Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader, The only
place worth visiting, of course not M’lud, that would be like a
politician going on a humanities course.
    The lost and
alone (chilled to the bone … in a Northern Winter) American tourist
couple pay a couple of Millom Croats quid
each to get into the place. On the ticket it states … ‘Includes
Prodder’. This baffles the pair, huuuh? Until an enthusiastic young
lad or lass comes running from the historical innards of the memory
mansion and states, with great Northern gusto “Hi, I’m Shelley! I’m
your prodder!” They think … “Wow, strange young girl, she has a
shadow of a moustache?” The visitors however accept the situation
and enter the room. “Mmmmm look dear community bar of earwax soap!
Mmmmm old box of matches! Mmmmm Dames Ison’s first attempt! Mmmmmmm
… ration … mmm … book! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … pigs bladder
… rugby … mmmmmmm … ball?! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm …
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzz …
    PROD! PROD!
PROOOOOOOOOD!
    PRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOODDDD!
    “Eeeeh!
Whaaaaa?! Heeeey!!!! Ohhhhh! Nooo, hmmmmmmmm just another five
minssssssssssswhhaaaa …?
    PRRRROOOOOOODDDD! House on fire!? Ohhhhh! Ooohhhhh! … Right!
    Oh hello, I’m
sorry, oooh what!? We’re not in bed, we’re where? Oh, thanks! …
Wake up dear … Dear! We’re in Millom Folk Museum! …
    Firelighter,
half used!! Oh my Gooood! Burning interrupted by the Blitz! Wowee!
Hey Dear! Aren’t you glad we came? Wow! Lookee here dear an actual
sepia Daguerreotype photograph of Hodbarrow from St George’s!
Here’s one of St George’s from Hodbarrow and one here of St
George’s and Hodbarrow from Blaaack Coombe! … Oooooohh! Here’s one
taken from TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND FEET!
    The trouble
with this picture that our couple have stumbled upon is … Peg can’t
breathe at that height … so ???
    M’lud, ladies
and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader, here we have another
fascinating aspect of Millom which will explain such photographs.
This also bears great precedence in the Astro Physicist scientific
field …
     
    ALIEN ABDUCTION
(or … Screw Roswell!) For Brick and Togo.
    There is an
actual eye witness report but it is locked in a safe in the
Reverend’s house (and he’ll keep it secret … Vat- he – can).
Unfortunately the reporter was one of the squeaky shoed brigade who
fell victim to an undertakers ‘Boo!’ so there was no chance of
getting him into the witness box. The aliens did the difficult part
I would suppose i.e. reached the earth’s atmosphere, they then it
seems blew it. They came in search of two humans, two humans with
infinite intelligence and superior scientific minds. Two humans to
help save their planet which was on the verge of destruction! They
chose Millom and, just happened to be hovering above Wellington
Street one night when local lads, Brick and Togo, were coming out
of the Royal British Legion Club. I lived opposite the club and saw
this through my partly opened curtains … honest! M’lud, ladies and
gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader their alien selection committee
may be comprised of beings well capable of building a ship which
could travel across the Universe like kite of a shovel but, their
character analysis on this occasion at least, must have been
tarnished by the cosmic equivalent of Guinness (wonder if they have
cracked the pouring time?)
    In the ‘new
abductees’ welcoming room they sat, reading well read,
well-travelled magazines (someone had drawn glasses and a moustache
on a cover shot of Gillian Anderson). Brick and Togo are brilliant
characters, as a comedy duo, would make Stan and Ollie look like a
pair of innocent framed Amish pessimists on Death Row with one
night left to live. These two heroes