Millom in the Dock by Frankie Lassut

style
lecterns constructed from solid gold tend not to close their wings.
As for his exhausted leaning on the desk, you have to be really
careful doing someone else’s signature, especially by the Gothic
flickering (Acme church supplies) candle light.
    Cometh Christus
Birthdayus festive season, the Reverend really goes to town … to
Millom Builders Merchants to be exact, then on his return erects,
(Hail Mary!), erm, ‘put’s up’ a full size, donated three star
stable hotel in his front garden using the shop assistants as holy
manual voluntary labour. He always seems to have three visitors at
this time of year … two adults and one half price and, a donkey
…
    NO PETS, BUT
EXCEPTIONS MADE IN SOME EXTREME CASES. PLENTY OF ROOM AT THE INN,
BUT YOU FOUR MAY STAY HERE.
    Although no one
has ever seen them? The local kids are encouraged to visit and
bring a trinket as a birthday present for the child. It is stated
in the leaflet, pushed through the door flaps of the relevant
people.
    REVEREND’S
CHRISTMAS APPEAL (for the visitors, especially the young BOY child)
PLEASE ENSURE THAT ALL TRINKETS ARE MADE OF SOLID GOLD (remember …
size matters). PLEASE, NO FRANKINCENSE AND MYRRH, WE ALREADY HAVE
BUCKETFULS OF THE STUFF IN THE LOFT.
    So, the correct
kids (no blaspheming Devil spawn please. Thank you) come round the
Rev’s house bearing gifts a plenty. They are all allowed to walk
onto the path, leaving more cracks in the paving and, then onto the
consecrated garden where they leave footprints three inches deep.
But, every year without fail, there is a sign on the stable door
…
    SORRY, NOT IN.
HAVE GONE FOR A WALK DOWN HODBARROW POINT, PLUS A DONKEY RIDE ON
THE SAND FOR LAAL ‘J’ (tide out, God willing … Moses. King Arthur’s
joke not ours ha! Ha! Laal means small, little) PLEASE, AS WE
THEREFORE CANNOT PERSONALLY GREET YOU AGAIN THIS YEAR PLEASE PLACE
GIFTS i.e. GOLD, GOLD AND GOLD THROUGH THE REVEREND’S LETTERBOX FOR
SAFE KEEPING. PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB THE MOST HOLY ONE, AS HE IS
WRITING A VERY IMPORTANT SERMON. THANKS VERY MUCH.
    J, M &
(laal) J and Easter the donkey.
    So, as it is
almost written Matthew 7:7 “realise you’ve been conned and then you
shall receive (unless you don’t” … the flap opens and half a ton of
precious metal is tipped quickly through the letterbox. The Rev has
lost three vicious, special breed dogs (German Statuegaarders) like
this in the past, crushed by the weight of glittering, luverly,
juberly gold much to the delight of Freddie Gleaves the postman.
The Rev though, to his Divine souls credit, when he can be
bothered, listens to Gods confessions before going to bed after a
hard nights calligraphy, logging for Southerbys and Jeet Kune Do
Kata practice, in case of a fight over goods with the undertakers
or (who will rid me of) that dammmmmned Priest!
    Pride of place
on his dressing table is the gold, diamond and ruby encrusted Rolex
Dog Collar stand. He drifts off to sleep hoping that someone in
Millom will soon invent the motor car and the speedboat as he is
determined to beat the Pope, who is materially, his richest
rival.
    Good old Rev!
Old mate of mine! SERIOUSLY! Has a God like sense of humour!!! A
good man! I’ve had some laughs with the Rev. I like him. He
wouldn’t harm a fly. He has a heart of gold (had it made as an
ornament).
    M’lud: “Thank
you Mr Lassut, Court will recess until 2 p.m. Amen!”
    “All rise for
M’lud! Amen!”
     
    ***
     
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    Except in
Millom Sharpo would just nick the plant and sell it
on .
     
    ***
    2 p.m.
     
    THE FOLK
MUSEUM
    “All rise for
M’lud” (hic!)
    M’lud: “Welcome
back everyone. Now Mr Lassut could you please tell us about the
Folk Museum, for a little historic culture shopping. The museum
being, according to the press, the ‘Only place worth visiting’;
which I personally find hard to believe. Did