My Dating Disasters Diary by Liz Rettig Page B

barked, 'Stop fannying about like a big
girl's blouse and kick the ruddy ball or you'll be off the
team faster than you can say "Please, sir, that's no' fair." '
    No one seemed surprised at a teacher using this sort of
language as apparently Mr Ferguson has said that his
outside school hours work is voluntary so he'll talk any
sodding way he ruddy well wants and if anyone doesn't
like it they can just sod off.
    Chris kicked the ball to the other net, then muttered,
'Sorry, Kelly Ann.'
    At this Mr Ferguson turned to me and said, 'What part
of the word no don't you understand?'
    It was hopeless. Ferguson wasn't ever going to let me
on the team. Looks like I'm never going to succeed at boy
stuff. But I'm useless at girl stuff too, like getting
boyfriends. Brilliant.
WEDNESDAY APRIL 7TH
    Liz's dad has found out that she was going out with Peter
'behind his back', so has grounded her and docked her
pocket money for a month. He says the month is to reflect
the amount of time she'd lied to him about Peter. Actually
it was five weeks but Liz wisely didn't correct him.
    I've told Liz I'll save up from my allowance to pay back Chris,
    then she can give me the money when she starts getting pocket money again.
     
    Was feeling bored today so when Rebecca invited me
over to her house after school, I agreed. Her two best
friends, Debbie and Nicola, came too.
    Rebecca's got a really cute hamster called Ben. Found
myself spending most of the time playing with Ben as all
Rebecca and her friends wanted to do was talk about
make-up and boys.
    In an effort to change the subject I asked if anyone had
heard Smashed to Pieces' latest album. They all had –
though instead of talking about the music, which was
really good, they all started on about the boys in the band
and which one was the hottest. There's a new guy now
called Jason Donnelly and he's got a fantastic voice, but
all they could talk about was how he looked and whether
he was fitter than Zach the drummer and Matt the lead
guitarist. They agreed he was – except for Debbie, who is
'in love' with Matt.
    No, really, she's totally obsessed with him –
even knows his shoe size, birth weight and rising
sign. All her school books are covered with pictures of
him and she's had his face lasered onto her knickers.
Mental.
    Oh God – except for Liz, can't help finding girls'
company boring now. I mean, for God's sake, what did it
matter what these guys in the band looked like? It wasn't
as though any of us would ever have a chance of meeting
them, never mind dating them. Most girls my age are just
so stupid.
THURSDAY APRIL 8TH
    Liz's dad has told my dad that I was Liz's alibi with that
'wee shite' Peter so Dad has grounded me and docked my
pocket money for a month, which I think is totally over
the top and completely unfair. I wasn't the one having
any fun after all. Honestly, parents are such copycats
sometimes.
    Looks like Angela and Graham are going to have the
pleasure of my company again on Saturday. Also looks
like Chris is going to have to wait a while for his football
boots. Just as well he's patient.
THURSDAY APRIL 15TH
    Liz's mum says it's all very well Liz's dad saying she's
grounded for a month but he's off to London with his
work for the next fortnight and won't have to share the
house with a moaning teenager 24/7 so her grounding is
lifted. But if Liz so much as speaks to a boy without
getting her parents' written permission first she'll be sent
to a nunnery for the rest of her life whether she's Catholic
or not.
FRIDAY APRIL 16TH
    Mum says there's no way she's putting up with a
weekend of me moping around the house with a face like
a buffalo with piles so my grounding's lifted but I'd better
not tell any more lies or she'd batter me up and down the
house.
    She did seem pretty desperate to get rid of me so I
decided to push it a bit. 'Thanks, Mum, but I'll just be
staying in tonight all the same as I've no money to do
anything.'
    Mum threw a tenner at me. 'Away to the pictures