No One Wants You by Celine Roberts

would be disgraced.
    In Sister Bernadette’s opinion, it was best left alone. She advised me to put it behind me, and get on with the rest of my life. That was a piece of advice that I was to hear many times over the next 40 years of my life. It is a very easy piece of advice to give to somebody, especially if you have not endured hardship or pain. While I would have loved to accept that particular piece of advice, many times over, it is just not possible to do. A person can block many things out of their life, such as pain or emotions, but one cannot block out the memories. From that Sunday afternoon, when Sister Bernadette told me about my family, I knew then that I desperately wanted to meet them. I knew that I would not rest until I did.
    That same week I had more bad news, although at the time it did not particularly bother me, as I now had the news of my parents to distract me. This next bit of bad news was very final, and it was to remain with me, at the back of my mind, for many years to come.
    My appointment with the gynaecologist was the next big occurrence in my life. One evening after the recitation of the rosary, the sister-in-charge came to me and told me that I was to be excused my duties in the kitchens for the next day. She said that as soon as I got out of bed I was to have a bath. Hot water and soap would be provided for me, and she said that I was to wash myself thoroughly, everywhere, inside and out. I was to be ready and standing by the back door at ten o’clock. A sister would then take me by taxi to my appointment with Dr Leahy, the gynaecologist.
    I had no idea why I was being taken to a gynaecologist.
    I had no idea what a gynaecologist did for a living.
    I had my bath the next morning. It was cold, as usual. Neither the hot water nor the soap appeared so, as usual, the time spent in the freezing water was minimal. I dried, dressed and presented myself at the door to await the taxi. It duly arrived and the nun and myself sat in the back seat.
    As the taxi drove us through the open gate and we left the orphanage behind us, I realised that there was another world outside the confines of those walls. I realised that people lived a different life out there. People lived a normal life outside. I had been inside the orphanage for approximately seven months, without ever leaving, or wanting to leave it, even once.
    Dr Leahy was an old man. He was a real gentleman and really nice to me. The nun waited outside as he explained what he was going to do to me during my examination. He made sure that I understood everything as best as a 13-year-old child could understand, under the circumstances. He emphasised that he was not going to hurt me or perform any surgery on me. He said that he merely wanted to examine me internally.
    He told me to get undressed and get into the white smock, which he had given to me. I did this behind a screen in the corner of the room. He put me up on the examination table, in his examination room. There were many strong lights there. Some of the lights were on wheels so that he could move them around.
    He told me to lie on my back and put my legs up in what he called the stirrups. He warned me that he was going to put an instrument into my vagina, and that it might be a bit cold for a few seconds. He inserted an instrument called a speculum into my vagina, which he stretched wider, so he could examine me. He probed deeper towards my uterus with different instruments, sometimes tut-tutting as he met unexpected resistance. He then withdrew all the instruments, loosened the speculum and turned off all the high-powered lights.
    He came up to my face and said, ‘There you are, young lady, that wasn’t too bad, was it?’
    As he pulled me to an upright position, I croaked a weak ‘No’.
    He told me that I could get dressed and go home with the sister. As I was getting dressed behind the screen, I heard him tell the nun that he would write a report and post it to the sister-in-charge of