Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank by Celia Rivenbark

expecting a celebrity pod-baby. Yes! The seed has been successfully planted and now is growing and flourishing in the formerly Catholic womb of Ms. Katie.
    I say “formerly Catholic” because, as we all know, Tom Cruise is a huge Scientologist, and he likes his women like his coffee, hot and full of beans just like him.
    Let’s not sugarcoat this one, hons. I don’t think Tom is the baby daddy. I’m not convinced that he, uh, has it in him, so to speak. My friend Courtney agrees and repeatedly refers to the Cruise kid as “that fake-ass baby.” Well, I didn’t say she was my nice friend.
    Tom and Katie are planning a Scientology-approved method of birthing, which consists of “silent contemplation and no drugs.”
    Funny thing, I don’t remember childbirth as a time of silent contemplation so much as a time to turn my head all the way around in a perfect 360 spin. Hey, you say
to-mah-to.
    Celebrities love Scientology, apparently because theydon’t have any decent Baptist churches out in Hollywood, so they must cling to the teachings of some guy named Ron. Scientologists believe in mind over matter. One of its biggest fans is actress Kirstie Alley. So am I the only one who thinks it’s funny that she finds the gospel according to Jenny Craig much more useful than that of L. Ron Hubbard in shedding all those mind-over-matter pounds?
    John Travolta (maybe
he’s
the baby daddy) is a huge Scientologist and his wife, Kelly Preston, is always yammering about her Scientology birthing style.
    Scientologists believe that words spoken during birth are recorded in a baby’s subconscious mind and can cause irrational emotions later in life.
    Ooops. Do you think the phrase, “You did this to me, you scum-sucking sack of shit” screamed repeatedly over the course of nine hours counts? If so, my bad.
    I think it’s hilarious that the only damn time Hollywood celebrities don’t do drugs is when they’re giving birth. What’s wrong with this picture?
    Tom Cruise says that you don’t need drugs to birth a baby, because drugs are the evil spawn of the pharmaceutical industry’s marriage to mainstream medicine.
    He is so adamant about this that he even blames psychiatry—in a crazy-man-screaming-on-the-subway kind of way—for the Holocaust. Yes, that Holocaust.
    The whole
Rosemary’s Baby
feel of this particular celeb coupling is just indescribably delicious. And the tabloidshave a new staple: Tom dipping Katie, apparently in a rather awkward height-compensation gesture. I’m guessing poor Katie can’t even walk across the kitchen for a bowl of corn-flakes without Tom springing out and dipping her.
    He dips her at the supermarket, the soccer game, walking the dogs, everywhere. At last we have a replacement for the stock photo of Angelina Jolie with that eighty-pound Maddox glued to her hip or Paris Hilton with seventy-five-pound Nicole Richie glued to hers.
    Oh, and speaking of Paris, she has said that she is ready to have a child. I guess this means that the future is in good hands. Of course, we don’t know where they’ve been.
    Why does Paris want kids?
    “I know that kids complete your life,” she said in an interview with
People
magazine. “I think having kids will make me happier than I am. Plus, I already treat my three puppies like kids!”
    Yes, well, as long as you have a realistic notion of motherhood. The goal of any baby should be to bring happiness to his shallow-as-a-pie-pan mother. And if you can train that baby to eat on all fours from a five-hundred-dollar bowl bought at a Rodeo Drive boutique and shaped like a giant bone, well, so much the better!
    Holy God, where is Dr. Phil when you need him? He needs to have one of those knee-touching sessions with Paris, look straight into her soulless eyes and say, “Paris, if you think raising up young’uns is the same as hauling around thatGucci dog carrier of yours with a two-pound mutt that looks like a toilet brush with eyes, you’re crazier ‘n