Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank by Celia Rivenbark Page A

cactus juice.”
    Paris Hilton having a baby is just a bad idea. Parenthood is about sacrifice, and I don’t mean having to choose between the dead sea mud treatment and the high colonic at your private spa.
    Oh, and one more thing. If Paris is really serious about her desire to have a baby, she should probably know that if she thought that Brazilian wax was painful, she might want to hire a surrogate for the actual birthing. They’re
hot.

12
Something Stinks
And I’m Pretty Sure It’s Tonya Harding
    This Christmas, it seemed to me that every celebrity introduced a “signature fragrance.” If all you want for Christmas is to smell just like Donald Trump, you’re in luck. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m guessing that Trump Cologne smells like money. At sixty bucks for less than an ounce, it should be called Sucka. I’m sure
Apprentice
fans would love a gift set featuring Trump flanked by (much) smaller vials of George, which smells vaguely like crotchety old man, and Carolyn, which comes with its very own stick to insert up your ass, never to be removed.
    Also just in time for holiday gift-giving: Britney Spears’s flirty floral, Curious, rumored to attract scruffy, ill-dressed man-boys whose skills are limited to fathering children out of wedlock and—oh, sorry, that was all.
    Also new this season, a citrusy mix from the folks at Adidas. Right. I’m going to buy perfume made by a company known for products that combine rubber and sweaty feet. Pass.
    Paris Hilton (insert your favorite joke here) was supposed to introduce her new signature scent for the masses later, but her handlers felt that she’s so hot right now that there was no sense in waiting. No name yet, but I’m rather fond of Mattressback!
    Jessica Simpson has a huge line of smell’um, including a “threesome of deliciously kissable Taste.” Gawd, it must be true what they always said about preachers’ daughters.
    Kim Cattrall, who’s not really a ho but just played one on TV, has introduced Spark Seduction, and Boston Rob Mariano, a second-place finisher in TV’s
Survivor,
has unveiled Foreman, which “combines scents of juniper and clean sweat.” Mariano said he chose the name because he used to be a construction foreman before becoming Mr. Ambuh. Cool. I used to work in a restaurant; meet my new scent, Fry Cook.
    Perhaps the weirdest celeb scent I’ve encountered is Full Throttle, from father-son team Paul Teutul Sr. and Jr., of
Orange County Choppers,
a cult hit on The Discovery Channel. Both Teutuls look kinda scary but, as we’re reminded every year at Christmas until we just wanna puke, hardcore bikers are all just gentle giants wanting to deliver gifts to poor kids. Whatever.
    The entire cast of
All My Children
has teamed with Wal-Mart to introduce Enchantment. I presume that with just one spritz you’ll be transported to a fictional town where women wake up with flawless hair and makeup in the arms of their husband’s best friends.
    That doesn’t smell; it reeks.
    Of course, those are all real products available in real stores. But I believe there are so many more celebrities who could be tapped for perfume pitches. How’s about Rehab, a clean new scent from Whitney Houston? (Free gift-with-purchase: Bobby Brown’s spicy scent, Jail Thyme.)
    Skater-turned-professional-wrestler Tonya Harding loves to talk tough, so I’m thinking her perfume might be called Smells Like Ass.
    Okay, that could hurt sales.
    Although the endless celebrity perfume is tiresome, it’s still not so irksome as the celebrities thinking that just because they had a cameo on
Bay watch
one time, they’re now ready to write for kids.
    Madonna’s leading the pack with an entire series of children’s books. Whose idea was it to give Madonna a five-book kids’ book deal? What next? A parenting book by Michael Jackson?
(What to Expect When One of Us Is Painfully Weird at Best or a Child Molester at Worst?)
    Why does every celebrity think they should write