Stupid Movie Lines by Kathryn Petras Page A

press, but I don’t want them to look like they’re levitating.
    Showgirl in
Showgirls,
1995
    On Non Sequiturs, Great Moments in:
    James:
Your brother’s dead.
    Nonnie (tearily):
Did you like his music?
    Red Buttons and Carol Lynley, having a conversation over her brother’s body in
The Poseidon Adventure,
1972
    On Nude Moon Women, Stupid Paper-Eating:
    Earthman (in a very bad space suit, talking to a nude moon woman):
Hello. I saw you on the throne before. You must be the queen. I’ve brought something for you. On Earth we call this candy.
    [He gives her some candy in wax paper. She spits out the candy and eats the wrapper.]
    Earthman:
Ha, ha—ha, ha—ho, ho—You’re not supposed to eat the paper.
    From
Nude on the Moon,
1962
    On Nuns in Miniskirts, What to Say to:
    Flapper skirts on a bride of Christ! I don’t like undercover nuns.
    Regis Toomey in the Elvis Presley—Mary Tyler Moore film
Change of Habit,
1969
    On Nurses, Bad Diagnostic Abilities of:
    Every bone in his body must be broken, but I’m not sure that’s what killed him.
    Nurse Ann Doran examining a returning astronaut and realizing Earthlings are in for trouble in
It! The Terror from Beyond Space,
1958
    On Nurses, Clean:
    Thank you, Snoopy. I could kiss you but you’re not sterile.
    Nurse thanking helpful reporter who has protected her reputation against scandal in
Between Two Women,
1944

O
    On Oh-So-Cute Lines:
    You know something, Doctor? I’m not going to worry about overpopulation just yet.
    Charter-boat captain (James Best), kissing the population scientist doctor’s daughter and Best’s bride-to-be in
The Killer Shrews,
1959
    On the Old Brainwash:
    Catlett:
If Olmstead is alive there is a chance the enemy may find ways to make him talk!
    Tom:
The old brainwash!
    Catlett:
Exactly.
    George Cisar and John Agar as heroic jet flyboys during the Korean War in
Jet Attack,
1958
    On the Old Masters, Exasperatingly Indecisive:
    Michelangelo, make up your mind, once and for all: Do you want to finish that ceiling?
    The Agony and the Ecstasy,
1965, starring Charlton Heston as Michelangelo
    On One for Each Eye:
    See Jane Russell in 3-D; She’ll Knock
Both
Your Eyes Out!
    Ad for
The French Line,
1954
    On One Million Eight Thousand One Hundred and Four Reasons to See This Film:
    1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 802 sacred bulls!
    Ad for
The Egyptian,
1954
    On Ooga Bonga, Meaning of:
    Native Chief:
Ooga bonga dongay!
    Jack:
He wants to make a deal. Six of them for Dwan.
    Dwan:
Jack, can you tell him I like him, too, but not
that
way?
    Dwan (Jessica Lange) explaining to Jack (Jeff Bridges) that she doesn’t want to be traded to the savage native chief, in
King Kong,
1976
    On Opening Lines, Enigmatic:
    Pull the string! Pull the string! Life has begun! A story must be told!
    Narrator 2 (Bela Lugosi) in
Glen or Glenda?,
1953
    On Opening Lines, Intriguing:
    In a deserted date-palm ranch in the off-season …
    Opening line of narration in
Beast with a Million Eyes,
1955
    On Orders, Hard to Follow:
    Suck the coffin mushroom now.
    The Ultimate Vampire,
1991

P
    On Pain and Suffering, Beyond the Pale:
    It’s bad enough having no immune system, but having to wear this giant cabbage on my head is too much.
    John Travolta as a boy with a rare immune disorder in the tear-jerker, disease-of-the-week film
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble,
1976
    On Paleontology, Essential Facts About:
    Dr. Blake:
Do you know anything about paleontology?
    Molly:
I know that very attractive men study it.
    Professor and young student, in
Monster on the Campus,
1958
    On Parties, Downers at:
    Him:
The food has been cooked, the wines chilled …
    Her:
And the guest of honor’s on the bottom of the lake.
    Rock Hudson and Dorothy Malone commiserating over the fact that her pilot husband has just crashed his plane instead of coming to his party in
Tarnished Angels,
1957
    On Past-Life Experiences, Bad:
    Ow! I’m shot!
    Lyle Wheeler (Marjoe Gortner) reliving