Stupid Movie Lines by Kathryn Petras

receive
free
psychiatric care or be placed
at our expense
in an asylum for the rest of your life!
    Newspaper ad, showing a demented-looking man, for the movie triple bill
Fangs of the Living Dead,
1968
, Revenge of the Living Dead,
1972, and
Curse of the Living Dead,
1966
    On Movie Dialogue, Bizarre Pruny Rhymes and:
    The Prince:
If you leave, ya know what you are? You’re the prunes.
    Buzz Cameo:
Prunes? You’re the dunes.
    The Prince:
Yeah. You’re the real prunes.
    Brooklyn thug leader the Prince (Norman Mailer) and a cohort in
Mailer’s
Wild 90,
1967
    On Movies, Must-See:
    They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
    SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
    Ad for
The Golden Mistress,
1954
    On Movies, Ones You Should Go, Go, Go See:
    Plucked from Today’s Beat! The Go! Go! Go! Generation! It’s Kicks, It’s Drags, It’s Tumult and Song!
    Ad for
The Beach Girls and the Monster,
1965
    On Movies to Take the Kids to:
    SEE rebel guerillas torn apart by trucks!
    SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
    SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
    Ad for
Sweet and Savage,
1983
    On Movies with It All:
    LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
    Ad for
Intermezzo,
1939
    On Ms.-taken Identity:
    I’m just a man doing his own thing. Are you a woman or a Ms.?
    Evel Knievel to Lauren Hutton in
Viva Knievel!,
1977
    On Mummies, Indisputable Facts About:
    Save me from that mummy! It’s dead!
    Zita Johann in
The Mummy,
1932
    On Murderers, Deep Thoughts About:
    Murderers! They’re all alike. Society would be better off without them!
    Prison guard expressing his own opinion in
Diary of a Madman,
1963
    On Musicals Most Unlike
The Sound of Music:
    INCREDIBLE is the word for the world’s first monster musical! See in magnificent Eastman color—the DARING DANCING, enticing and horrifying—The INCREDIBLY Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!! Who is the woman branded in birth, wearing the
wart of horror
?
    Promo
, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies,
1963
    On Must-Haves, Governmental:
    Dr. DeMarco has created a subservient zombie. That’s something my government
must
have!
    Enemy agent (Tura Satana) trying to get the goods in
Astro-Zombies,
1969
    On Mutated Piranhas, How to Get Away from:
    Swim, Ann! Don’t walk—swim!
    Advice given to a girl in the water who is in imminent danger of being consumed by mutated flying piranha fish, by her friend in a boat in
Piranha II: The Spawning,
1981
    On
My
Fair
Lady
, Swingin’ Talk About:
    That Higgins cat, the stuffy john who made a lady out of a piece of garbage.
    Ann-Margret (Kelly) comparing girlie-magazine editor Tony Franciosa to her favorite Professor Higgins in the movie
My Fair Lady
in
The Swinger,
1966

N
    On Natives, Hip:
    Real crazy. These footprints go in a circle. Maybe the natives here are getting on this rock ’n’ roll kick.
    Oriental hip guy (Victor Sen Yung) when he and his buddies discover sinister footprints on the desert island they’re stranded on in
She Demons,
1958
    On Needs, Hermetically Sealed:
    What you need is a canned woman.
    Subtitle in John Woo’s
To Hell with the Devil,
1982
    On Neil Sedaka Songs, Ones That Never Hit the Charts for Some Reason:
    See a bug walkin’ on the ground
    He moves in a straight line
    But the waterbug must have flipped his tug …
    Neil Sedaka as Bob singin’ a song with J.B. and the Playboys in
Playgirl Killer,
1969
    On Neurotics, Typical:
    Major’s wife:
Cutting off her nipples with garden shears? You call
that
normal?
    Colonel:
Well, the doctors say she’s neurotic.
    Army base conversation between Elizabeth Taylor and Brian Keith after Keith’s wife miscarries and then cuts off her nipples in
Reflections in a Golden Eye,
1967
    On Nicknames, Quite Good:
    My nickname is “Iron Spade” spade the rubbish.
    English subtitle
, Rich & Famous,
1987
    On Nipples, Buoyant:
    I want my nipples to