Tanner's Virgin by Lawrence Block

dinner I played at altering my appearance, but there wasn’t very much I could do. The Scotland Yard photo had been taken when my hair was shorter than it was presently, so cutting it was purposeless. Nor was there time to grow a beard or moustache. I confined my efforts to making myself look less American. I lengthened my sideburns a half-inch with charcoal and changed my own clothes for some of yet another friend of my hosts whose name I don’t remember except that it began with Pol or Pen or Tre, as did they all— By Pol and Tre and Pen/Ye may know the Cornish men, as the old rhyme has it. I wound up with a heavy tweed jacket patched at the elbows and a rubberized mackintosh. And I played with my facial expression and worked on my brogue; I would be a Liverpudlian running out on a forgery charge, if anyone wanted to know.
    By seven-thirty it was time to leave. A lad named Pensomething was driving me to Torquay in his father’s Vauxhall, and Poldexter had arranged to keep my stolen Morris until someone needed a ride to London, where it could be safely abandoned. We said our good-byes all around, toasted Free Cornwall as an equal partner in the Celtic-Speaking Union, and away I went. The Vauxhall was even worse than the Morris but at least I didn’t have to drive it.
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    I don’t know much about boats. The one I boarded at Torquay was about twenty feet long and it had a downstairs and an upstairs which I know aren’t called that. I guess you call them “topside” and “below,” but I wouldn’t swear to it. I really don’t know much about boats beyond the fact that it’s better to be on them thanin the water. I also know that starboard is the right and port is the left, unless it’s the other way around.
    Fortunately I didn’t really have to know much. I bargained with the captain and wound up paying twenty-five pounds for my passage, which was five less than I’d anticipated. Then I got on board and found a nice quiet corner and pretended to go to sleep. More men got aboard, and some of them loaded crates of something into the downstairs part of the ship, call it what you will. I went on pretending to be asleep, and I kept up this pretense until we were well under way, at which point it became impossible to go on because sleeping men do not vomit, and I had to.
    One other thing I know about boats—if you have to throw up, you don’t do it into the wind. I threw up correctly and felt quite proud of myself. I was standing at the rail feeling proud of myself when a thin dark man with a spade-shaped beard came over and stood beside me. “You are not so much of a sailor,” he said dolefully.
    â€œI picked the right side,” I said.
    â€œHow is this?”
    â€œI didn’t puke into the wind,” I said. “I went to the port side and—”
    â€œBut this is the starboard side.”
    â€œPrecisely,” I said.
    I escaped from him, regained my quiet corner and wrapped my mackintosh around me. It wasn’t raining but it might as well have been, because the Channel was choppy and there was enough of a wind to keep an icy spray zinging over the deck. For this I had left October in New York.
    I heard footsteps approaching and forced myself notto look up. The steps ceased. Beside me, a man cleared his throat laboriously. I ignored this, but he was not a man to be ignored. He sat down on the deck beside me and put a hand on my shoulder.
    â€œYou,” he said.
    I made a pretense of coming groggily awake. I blinked at him. He was a young giant with shaggy blond hair beneath a black beret. His face was a mass of amorphous dough, almost featureless, marked by diagonal scars on both cheeks.
    â€œHo,” he grunted. “You sick, hah? You want cup soup? Hah?”
    I thanked him but explained that I didn’t want a cup of soup just now.
    â€œTsigarette?”
    Not that either, I said. Nothing just now, but thanks