The Adventures of Nanny Piggins by R. A. Spratt

steal it,' declared Derrick.
    'What are you talking about, you stupid boy?' said Mr Green. 'It only suggests that she was trying to open the door.'
    And so Mr Green's mediocre legal mind had found a flaw in Nanny Piggins' brilliant plan. Opening doors was a perfectly legitimate reason for touching doorknobs.
    'Why on earth would anyone want to steal a doorknob?' asked Mr Green incredulously.
    'Mental illness,' suggested Michael helpfully.
    'Who gave you such a stupid idea?' asked Mr Green.
    The children gave Nanny Piggins away by looking everywhere but at her.
    'I might have guessed,' said Mr Green, puffing out his chest ready for a good long rant. 'Not only are you a second-rate nanny and a pig, you also have the audacity to slander the name of Nanny Alison.'
    Fortunately Nanny Piggins was saved the trouble of having to bite Mr Green hard on the leg because, at that exact moment, a police detective kicked the door in and burst into the room.
    'What on earth is going on? How dare you!' blustered Mr Green.
    'Sorry, sir,' said the police detective. 'We would have used the doorknobs except they aren't any.' Turning to Nanny Alison, he continued. 'I am arresting you for Grand Theft Doorknobs.' Then, much to Nanny Piggins and the children's delight, he snapped a pair of handcuffs on Nanny Alison. (Which was not easy given that her hand was still superglued to the living room doorknob. But an oxyacetylene blowtorch soon fixed that.)
    But even better than that was the sight of Nanny Alison screaming wildly as four policemen dragged her away. 'Nooooo! I haven't found it yet. Don't put me away without letting me see it. Please, please!' But she was no match for the burly young constables and they soon bundled her into the waiting van.
    The police detective explained. Nanny Alison had been travelling about and posing as a nanny so she could steal doorknobs from all the finest houses in the country. As Nanny Piggins had correctly suspected, Nanny Alison had the mental illness 'doorknobitis'.
    'But how did you know to find her here?' asked Samantha.
    'She was bound to come here. Because all doorknobbers (this is what people who collect doorknobs are called) know this is the home of the most famous doorknob in the world.
    'It is?' said Derrick, Samantha and Michael in perfect unison. Their three-part harmony lesson had still not entirely worn off.
    'This is the home of the late Edith Green, the famous Professor of Antiquities, isn't it?' asked the detective.
    'That was our mother,' said Derrick.
    'I didn't know she was famous,' added Michael.
    'Oh yes, because she discovered the legendary Fabergé doorknob. And attached it to a door in this very house,' said the police detective.
    'No!' said the children, again in perfect unison.
    'It's true,' sobbed Mr Green.
    The children and Nanny Piggins had forgotten he was there. They preferred to think about him as little as possible.
    'If you would be so kind as to show it to me, sir, just to confirm that it is unharmed?' asked the police detective.
    Mr Green slowly lead the way into his study and over to the bookcase full of law books. He was weeping softly. 'I never wanted her to bring it into the house. Nineteenth-century Russian décor is so gaudy.'
    'Just show us the knob please, sir,' said the policeman.
    Then, to the surprise of all, Mr Green put his hand on a small marble bust of Ronald Trout (the inventor of the goods and service tax) and the entire bookcase slid to one side, revealing a small, ornately carved wooden door. But they barely noticed it because there, in the middle of the door, was the most spectacularly beautiful doorknob ever made. It was decorated with gold filigree, exquisite enamel work and studded with diamonds, emeralds and rubies.
    'This was your mother's secret room,' explained Mr Green.
    'That is the most amazing doorknob ever!' exclaimed Derrick.
    'Which is why Nanny Alison wanted to steal it,' explained the police detective.
    But Nanny Piggins' mind was working on