The Armchair Bride by Mo Fanning

newspaper cuttings collected by Mam and lovingly sent my way. He’d been in trouble with the police. I never bothered reading them. Mam’s accompanying letter suggested a lucky escape. She went to great lengths to point out I was clearly no judge of character. Like all decent Irish mammies, if guilt was floating around in need of a home, she was happy to pass it on - usually to immediate family members.
    Andy’s key turns in the lock. He’s not alone. There’s laughter and the sound of two people kissing. I turn over and wrap myself in my duvet.
    Outside the wind gets up and rain lashes against the window. On any other night, filthy weather could lull me into deep slumber. Tonight it makes me worry about the world.

Eight

    After a night of flitting between vivid dreams and long dark funks where anxiety took a hold, I wake and lie perfectly still. It’s so dark outside. January is such a miserable month.
    The heating hasn’t kicked in, so I take my cup of tea back to bed. Despite every good intention to stay awake, no sooner does my head make contact with the pillow, than my eyes close.
    It’s light when I hear the phone ringing. Our machine picks up and a disembodied voice squawks a message. I hear Andy in the kitchen. There’s muffled conversation, and the front door closes. Thank God for that. It doesn’t feel like the sort of morning where I can make conversation with whoever he dragged home last night.
    When I’m sure the coast is clear I go in search of breakfast. On my way to the kitchen I spy Andy crouched over the answering machine.
    ‘Cup of tea?’ I say and when he doesn’t reply, resort to sarcasm.
    ‘ Yes please Lisa. Why, that would be lovely, I don’t deserve such a caring flat mate, I really must do something to repay your kindness sometime. Perhaps I could cook dinner tonight or… ’
    ‘Listen to this.’
    He presses play and there’s a short pause before a familiar voice follows. It’s Beryl, his agent.
    ‘Hello Andy love. Sorry to call so early, but I couldn’t sleep. The doctor changed my tablets and I’m whizzing off my tits. Still, it’s better than falling asleep mid sentence. Anyway, the reason for my call is it looks like you’re in with a chance of a film. Nothing too fancy, no Hollywood blockbuster, but it is work and what else are you doing? They need you to go to an audition in London on Thursday. They’ll pick up the tab for the hotel, but you need to make your own way there. I already said yes for you and I’m having Nicola bike over the script, such as it is. Something about werewolves and motorcycles, it’s being filmed over the next few months in Bratislava. Not exactly sure what your role is, but I’m sure someone will explain. Good luck and don’t let me down on this. We both need the money. Ciao.’
    She hangs up noisily and Andy beams at me.
    ‘An audition for a film,’ he says. ‘She’s got me a fucking audition for a fucking film. They want me to go to London.’
    ‘That’s wonderful. Will you do it?’
    ‘ Of course . I don’t care what it’s about. I’m not bothered what the part is, I need the work and this might be the break I’m waiting for.’
    He paces up and down.
    ‘What shall I wear? What sort of image should I convey? What if they think I’m too gay for the part? I’ll butch up. You’ll help me learn my lines, won’t you?’
    ‘I suppose.’
    ‘Maybe you can come with me to, where was it again? Bratislava? Where is that anyway? Is it sunny? You haven’t had a holiday for ages. Oh go on, say you’ll come, it will be fun.’
    His enthusiasm overwhelms. But I can’t deny it’s great news and seeing him so happy is wonderful. I almost hate myself for the answer I have to give.
    ‘We’ve got a bunch of big shows coming up. You know how Brian gets when someone asks for time off.’
    Andy replays the message. This time we both listen carefully to every word. ‘It’s being filmed over the next few months in