The Best Australian Humorous Writing by Andrew O'Keefe

with the oldest “girl”, Holly Madison, but the two others, Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson, live in as his “girlfriends”.
    â€œMy relationship with Holly is a real one,” says Hef. “What you get on this reality show is reality, unlike most reality shows, which have been scripted. The reason we are able to go on despite the writers’ strike is we have no writers.”
    The Writers Guild of America’s strike against the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers has caused problems for everyone in the room except Hef. The writers have asked the actors to boycott the Golden Globes awards night. The journalists are supposed to be here to attend the Golden Globes after-party. All over the world, newspaper and magazine editors are wondering why they have dispatched their top writers—and me—to cover an event that looks increasingly unlikely to happen.
    The dispute has also had the awkward side effect of focusing attention on the essential nature of the Golden Globes. On movie posters, DVD sleeves and actors’ CVs, a Golden Globe seems to have the cachet of an Oscar, but the Oscars are awarded by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which has more than 6000 members, all of whom are in the movie industry. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, meanwhile, has 82 members, many of them only part-time journalists. They are not a representative section of the foreign press corps, most are not film reviewers, and, in any normal situation, their collective opinion would be only marginally more important than a consensus among LA burger flippers, or car valets.
    Hef says he supports the right to strike but would like to see the dispute settled, and talk soon moves on to the real issue facing Hollywood—Britney.
    There were rumours, says a journalist, that
Playboy
asked Britney to be in the magazine and she said no, or that Britney asked
Playboy
if she could be in the magazine, and the magazine said no.
    â€œI think,” says Hef, “that there was a period of time—and it is still going on—in which the need to invent stories relating to Britney Spears was everywhere, and all the tabloids and other publications made up stories as they went along.”
    A journalist asks if there is anywhere in the house the cameras are not allowed to go.
    â€œWell, you won’t see me in the toilet very often,” says Hef. “We leave the best part to the imagination,” he adds, referring to the bedroom rather than the toilet.
    Hef wanders back to bed, or wherever it is he spends all day in his pyjamas—and the girls take his place. They are all blondes (of a shade not often found in nature) and big-breasted (of a shape not often found in nature).
    Kendra Wilkinson introduces herself.
    â€œI just got my boobs done,” she says. “Redone,” she amends. “They’re bigger, too. Bigger and better. I was going to go smaller but I decided not to.”
    The journalists are keen to know what the girls’ parents think of them being on the show.
    â€œMy family loves coming here,” says Wilkinson. “My mum just got a plastic surgery makeover,” she adds, pointing to her own breasts.
    Everybody else in LA seems to see themselves as role models. Do the “girls”?
    â€œWe encourage people to work out, get an education, follow their dreams,” says Bridget Marquardt.
    â€œBe themselves,” says Wilkinson.
    â€œWe’re not encouraging them all to date the same guy,” says Marquardt.
    Wilkinson, 22, describes her career to date thus: “I graduated when I was 18. I was a general assistant. I got my boobs done, then—bim!—I’m here.”
    A reporter wants to know if all the girls’ periods are in sync. Wilkinson pulls on the belt of her pants, looks down into her underwear, and says, “I think I’ve just started mine, actually.”
    It is Wilkinson who