The Book of Bloke by Ben Pobjie Page B

considered counterpoints to the brooding, and it is considered polite to treat them as just further proof of how intense and complex the Artist is. Calling an Artist ‘happy’ is in fact quite a faux pas; it is much better, instead, to refer to the many, many
other
people who the Artist makes happy by selflessly sharing his creative vision with the world, even at the expense of his own happiness.
    At times, an Artist may produce some art, although this is not essential.
    All Artists are motivated by the same basic urges: to gain respect, to be admired, to have sex, to drink heavily. But the species can be divided into subspecies according to how their urges manifest themselves. Thus, the varieties of Artist include:
    The Brush-Tailed Dauber . This small, easily frightened Artist lives in confined spaces, feeding off his own resentment. With few natural defences against predators, the Dauber, when threatened, will defend himself by talking about colour, light and shade until the predator gets bored and goes away. Colour, light and shade are extremely important to the Dauber, and he will fixate on them to the exclusion of all else for days at a time, breaking concentration only to eat and have nervous breakdowns.
    Motivated greatly by a desire to be remembered after he is dead, the Dauber pursues this aim both by thinking up innovative methods of suicide, and by ‘pushing new boundaries’. Nobody really knows what this means, but many Daubers have been observed in the wild, throwing paint at things, dropping paint on things, and smearing paint on various bodily appendages, which are then rubbed against canvas; it is thought that these are the ‘boundaries’ which the Dauber wishes to push, leading many to claim that ‘pushing boundaries’, in the language of the Brush-Tailed Dauber, can be roughly translated as ‘being a nutjob’. This school of thought has it that if medication could be developed to treat Daubers, they’d stop doing all that weird stuff with paint, settle down and draw caricatures in a shopping centre. The difficulty is capturing Daubers to experiment on, as most Daubers die quickly in captivity, much like the Great White Shark, another species known for feeling unappreciated by the wider world.
    If you see a Dauber it is probably safe to approach him, but be warned that he will certainly try to convince you that the ugly picture of his cat on the wardrobe is meaningful. You may have to lie.
    Speaking of dishonesty, the Conceptualista , a close but perverted cousin of the Dauber, has risen to much prominence in recent years, due to its aggressive breeding strategies and talent for self-promotion. The main difference between a Conceptualista and a Dauber is that a Dauber tends to possess some artistic talent, however wasted it might be. The Conceptualista, on the other hand, possesses no artistic talent whatsoever, and wishes to rub that fact right in your gullible face.
    Recognisable by his wild eyes and hideously garish clothes, the Conceptualista is genetically predisposed to intense self-awareness and a total lack of shame; knowing full well he lacks talent, he seeks to compensate for his handicap through shock tactics and general stupidity. This can take many forms: some Conceptualistas will stack bricks on top of each other; some will freeze-dry water buffalo and place them in erotic poses on the steps of Parliament House; and some will simply wrap everything they can find in plastic, before shouting ‘It’s Art!’ at people, and running away with massive armfuls of cash.
    It is always dangerous to get too close to a Conceptualista, as there is a strong chance he will show you a toilet bowl full of mandarins and demand a large fee. If you refuse to pay him, he will punch you in the face. He’ll then show a video of him punching you in the face in slow motion at a major gallery, and demand a large fee.
    Less likely to demand, receive, or get anywhere near a large fee, the Laugh-o-Meter is an