The Very Best of Robin Williams: Memories of a Comedy Legend by Dan Aldridge Page B

commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say, "Stop, or I'll say stop again"'
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    'We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.'
     
     
     
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    'Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.'
     
     
     
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    'The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery!'
     
     
     
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    'You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.'
     
     
     
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    'Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.'
     
     
     
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    During an awards ceremony in 2014, Williams joked about the glasses he was wearing, saying:
     
    'My god! I have on nothing but Google Glass. And I'm downloading as we speak.'
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    'People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.'
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    ‘They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called homebasing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!’
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    'Do you think Adam said to Eve, “Back up, I don't know how big this gets”?'
     
     
     
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    “I would like to do for you now, a Japanese science fiction movie: "Attack of the Killer Vibrators."
     
     
     
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    'In the midst of all this ranting, you can’t forget that in New York harbour, there is a statue that says, “Give me your tired, your poor…” And that doesn’t mean, “…for two weeks, to do light housework”.'
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    'Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.'
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    'A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.'
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    Speaking about being creative:
     
    ‘And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going "You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know."
     
     
     
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    On his financial dispute with Disney over Aladdin:
     
    'The only reason Mickey Mouse has four fingers is because he can't pick up a cheque'
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    ‘Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."’
     
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    “Before I go on, I want to ask if there are any Hell's Angels here tonight? [after no response] … Those pussy-whipped faggots!”
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    ‘I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."’
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    ‘The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, “give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses”. She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, “you want a piece of me?”’
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    ‘Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.’
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    'Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall rat!'
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    ‘You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) “It’s the same sex all the time”.’
     
     
     
    *
     
     
     
    “I'd like to start the show by