The Voyage of the Golden Handshake by Terry Waite Page B

Alice addressed her.
    ‘We are looking for an elegant dinner suit for my husband. As he has recently put on a little weight, the ones he has do not exactly fit, but he will return to his normal weight - I shall see to that. But now, as we have some very important functions to attend, we would like to see what you have. It’s not worth buying new, is it?’ She gave a coy little laugh and stretched out her hand to feel the quality of a miserable-looking shirt on the rail.
    ‘Well,’ said the assistant, ‘you’re in luck. Only half an hour ago, a very nice outfit came in. It’s not priced yet but it might be just the thing. Hold on.’
    She disappeared into a back room as Alice surveyed a shelf of figurines for sale at twenty pence each.
    ‘Ooh, aren’t these lovely?’ she said.
    Albert grunted and said nothing. Within a few moments the assistant returned bearing a jacket and trousers on a wire coat-hanger. Albert was ushered into a small cubical and struggled into the clothing. To his great alarm it seemed to fit, after a fashion. He emerged and Alice immediately seized him, turned him round, pulled at the jacket and announced that it would do splendidly if the trousers were turned up an inch and providing he put on no more weight. A price of ten pounds was agreed and the items were carefully folded and placed in an old supermarket plastic bag.
    ‘Oh,’ said Alice. ‘As we are here we might as well get you a new dickie bow.’ She had noted several amongst the ties andselected a large velvet bow.
    ‘I think we can let you have that,’ said the kindly lady as she popped it into the bag.
    Alice was duly appreciative and, with her husband in tow, she walked out of the shop and into a world of dinner parties and elegant occasions.
     
    Albert felt awkward in his new second-hand acquisition. Although the fit was passable, the jacket did make him appear somewhat like an elderly ‘Teddy-boy’ and as for the bow-tie - well, it was unusual to say the least. Alice wore her peach-coloured outfit which she had bought from British Home Stores. Frankly, it was not the most suitable colour for her as it made her look even heavier than she was, but she liked it and that was that. The time allowed to get to the reception was far too short, and there was a great deal of bad temper displayed as Alice tried to smarten Albert up and struggle into the peach costume at the same time.
    Ten minutes after the appointed time they appeared at the entrance to the reception area where there was a long queue of expectant cruisers waiting to be greeted by the Captain and, most importantly, be photographed with him. This experience was new to the Captain. True, he had welcomed people aboard the Messina ferry, but the welcome then was highly informal and certainly no photographer was ever present. Alice eyed the otherladies and was panic-struck when she noticed that the majority were wearing long evening dresses and she was in a peach costume. She took Albert’s arm and quickly propelled him out of the line.
    ‘Albert, dear,’ she said, ‘would you be so kind as to escort me back to our Suite?’
    She emphasised ‘Suite’ so that lesser mortals in lower cabins would recognise that she and Albert were amongst the elite. Albert looked startled.
    ‘But - - - ‘he began, but before he could utter another syllable he was being propelled back along the corridor to the Balcony Suite.
    ‘This is terrible,’ Alice wailed, ‘just terrible. Did you notice, Albert?’
    Her husband was nonplussed. He had noticed that his braces were not secure enough and he had to keep hitching up his trousers, but that was about all he had noticed.
    ‘I can’t go to dinner, Albert. I just can’t.’
    Albert, who was now feeling distinctly peckish after the exertions of the afternoon, looked startled.
    ‘Eh up,’ he said. ‘Come on, luv. We’ve got to eat, we’ve paid for it.’
    ‘It’s the costume, Albert. Did you see what the others were