The Witch's Brew: A Collection of Hilarious Short Stories Starring the Wicked Witch of the West by Darrin Mason Page A

grabbed a young man hostage. He ran with him to the end of the corridor and climbed into the Winkavator. He had pressed all the buttons except that one and with the police bearing down on them he thought, “Why the fuck not?” He pressed the button and the Winkavator lifted off. It approached the glass ceiling and broke through it. Glass went flying through the air and it crashed to the ground. A big sharp piece hit one of the police officers and cut his arm deeply. Blood squirted everywhere. One of the other officers began firing at the Winkavator. As bullets whizzed by, Wally Winka the Wonderful Wizard of Oz looked at the young man he kidnapped and said, “I saw you watching my chocolate factory. So, would you like to slip your scrumdiddlyumptious bar into it?” Hmmm, so that’s where he came up with the name.
    Meanwhile, the Wicked Witch was riding her Chopper across the Land of Oz. A zombie munchkin jumped out at her and she fired her gun at it, blowing off its head. Then another zombie munchkin came out of the bushes. She fired at that one too and blew off its head.
    She passed the house belonging to Dorothy Gale. Oh my god, this was too good an opportunity to pass up. She turned back and pulled up in front of the house. She climbed off her bike and went to the front door. She knocked on it and Auntie Em opened it. The Wicked Witch blew her away. Then Uncle Henry came to the door. She blew him away too. So did Stephen King Author the First so she blew him away. Again!! Holy shit she was on a roll. Then Prince Charming came to the door and smiled. Awww shit he was good looking, so good looking that instead of blowing him away she simply blew him. She swallowed every drop then climbed back on her bike and rode away. Prince Charming looked down at Auntie Em and Uncle Henry’s dead bodies and that too of Stephen King Author the First. He looked over his shoulder. “Hey, Cinderella. Come clean up this fucking mess, will ya?” Looks like Prince Charming wasn’t so charming after all.
    The Wicked Witch arrived at the Aunt Esmeralda City and knocked on the door of the house the Mayor lived in. The Mayor answered the door with a smile and when he saw who it was the smile melted from his face and it was replaced with a look of fear.
    BANG!!
    Blood flowed from the hole in the Mayor’s chest and he fell to the floor, dead as a doornail.
    Sirens sounded and the Aunt Esmeralda City went into lockdown. A young boy was standing at the front gate, shaking it, wanting to get in. A panhandler stopped in front of him. “Forget about it, son. No one goes in, and no one comes out.”
    The panhandler walked away and was about to turn left at the corner at the bottom of the hill when an out of control car being driven by a Bumpa-Lumpa bumped into him. The panhandler got caught under the car and was dragged several hundred yards before he fell down a manhole whose cover had been left off. The shark from Jaws leaped out of the water and snapped its jaws shut around his waist, cutting him into two pieces. It disappeared back under the water, waiting patiently for its next victim.
    The Wicked Witch ran from the Mayor’s house and into an empty two-story one across the road. She ran upstairs to a bedroom and stood in front of the window. She looked out at the people running up and down the street in a fit of panic. She aimed her gun at one of them and pulled the trigger.
    SPLAT!!
    The man dropped dead on the ground. Then she aimed her gun at another person.
    KAPOW!!
    Two people dead.
    A police car pulled up outside the house and an officer called out to her. “Wendy? Is that you? What the fuck’s going on? Why the hell are you doing this?”
    The Wicked Witch thought for a moment before replying, “I don’t like Mondays. This livens up the day.”
    The officer replied, “But today’s Tuesday.”
    The Wicked Witch chewed her lip as she looked around the room. Of course it was Tuesday. “Awww shit.” She turned back to the officer.