The Witch's Brew: A Collection of Hilarious Short Stories Starring the Wicked Witch of the West by Darrin Mason

there’s lions, and tigers, and bears.”
    The Wizard turned to the Wicked Witch. “There’s no earthly way of knowing, what the fuck it is.”
    The Wicked Witch climbed to her feet and began walking around the edge of the swamp, her eyes peeled for whatever had been singing. Then she saw it, a little green frog, right there, playing a banjo.
    The little green frog looked up at her with a startled look on his face.
    “Don’t be afraid,” the Wicked Witch said. “What’s your name?”
    The little green frog began to shake. “K-K-Kermite Have Sex With Miss Piggy Or I M-M-Might Not.”
    She knew right away he was a kindred spirit, for not only had she thought on occasion about having sex with Miss Piggy, she too was green. She went up to him and reached out her hand to him. He reached out his to take hers when suddenly a giant alligator leaped out of the water and took Kermite Have Sex With Miss Piggy Or I Might Not in one great gulp and it disappeared back under the water, leaving the Wicked Witch holding a bloodied arm. She cried for the little frog that was once a kindred spirit but was now an alligator’s gutful of food.
    The Wizard came around to her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. She cried hard. The beast was hurt, and it was about to be unleashed.
     
     
    CHAPTER T HREE
     
    M eanwhile, the Bumpa-Lumpas feelings were hurt. They wanted candy, they didn’t get it - indeed, they had a door slammed in their face - and now it was time for revenge. They climbed into the Sherman tank given to them by Adolf Hitler, the once upon a time Chancellor of Shermany. Get it? Sherman tank? Shermany? BWAHAHAH!! The Bumpa-Lumpas turned on the tank and drove it down the hill toward the candy store. They arrived in front of it and aimed the tank’s gun at it. “Ready,” the head Bumpa-Lumpa cried out. “Aim.” He looked around at the other Bumpa-Lumpas. “FIRE!!”
    KABLAMMO!!
    The candy store was blown to kingdom come. There was only one problem. It wasn’t the candy store. It was the house that belonged to-
    “Holy fuck,” Hands on Myself said, standing over Greater Times Will Be Had Once I’m Old Enough to Have Them’s dead and bloodied body. He turned to the tank and marched toward it. “Look what the fuck you’ve done to my sister,” he said. “You’ve killed her so completely.”
    One of the Bumpa-Lumpas climbed out of the tank and went over to Greater Times Will Be Had Once I’m Old Enough to Have Them’s body. He observed it for several moments then went to Hands On Myself. “Terribly sorry there old chap. It won’t happen again.”
    There was another explosion and this time it was Hands On Myself that copped it. The Bumpa-Lumpa turned back to the tank where another Bumpa-Lumpa was sitting on top of it. “I didn’t mean to,” the other Bumpa-Lumpa said. “It just, happened.”
    The first Bumpa-Lumpa looked at the house they had just blown up and also at the bodies of Hands on Myself and Greater Times Will Be Had Once I’m Old Enough to Have Them. “I’m thinking so completely, its time we got the fuck out of here.”
    The other Bumpa-Lumpa nodded. “As the Mayor of Bumpkin City, I agree wholeheartedly. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
    They both climbed back in the tank and drove away, leaving an everlasting gobsmacking scene of mayhem in their wake.
     
     
    CHAPTER FOUR
     
    O n the other side of Oz, the Wicked Witch loaded her guns and strapped them to her waist. She offered a gun to the Wizard who was tempted but decided not to join the Wicked Witch on her murderous rampage out of an enormous fear of dying. The Wicked Witch climbed on board her motorbike which was not a very witch-like mode of transport, but it was a gift from the guys on the TV show American I’ll Chop Your Head Off One of these Days as part of a promotion for their Halloween show, and she loved it. She rode into the distance and that’s when the police turned up and confronted the Wizard. He panicked and