Vernon God Little by D. B. C. Pierre

whimpery moves; like, she’d have to shred a tit or something, just to keep up with the Unfolding Tragedy of Her Fucken Life. Out of kindness, I absorb the maximum number of sniffles before speaking.
    â€˜How could you do that to me, Ma?’
    â€˜Well I only told the
truth
, Vernon. Anyway young man, how could you do all
this
to
me
?’
    â€˜I didn’t do anything.’
    â€˜Well, famous actors put toothpaste under their eyes to help them cry. Did you know that?’
    â€˜Say
what
?’
    â€˜I’m just telling you for court, in case you look too impassive. You know how impassive you can look.’
    â€˜Ma – just don’t talk to Lally anymore, okay?’
    â€˜Hold on,’ she takes her mouth from the phone, ‘it’s all rightLeona, it’s the fridge people.’ You hear questioning noises in back, about the time of night, then Mom comes on the line again. ‘Well it’s
ridiculous
– I’ve waited
days
for you people!’
    â€˜Goodnight, Ma.’
    â€˜Wait!’ She presses her mouth to the phone, whispering. ‘Vernon – it’s probably best not to mention anything about the, er . . .’
    â€˜Gun?’
    â€˜Well yes, probably best to keep it between us, you know?’
    My daddy’s gun. If only my ole lady had let me keep it at home. But no. The fucken gun gave her the tremors. I had to stash it far from the house, way out in the public domain. Nuckles must know it’s there. Jesus must’ve used it as a wild card, must’ve mentioned it to stop him following, to make him think there was an arsenal stashed away. But then Jesus died. Took the information, the context, all our innocent boyhood times with him. Took the truth with him.
    Just my gun’s left behind, with all the wrong fingerprints on it. Left behind, just waiting.

Act II
How I spent my summer vacation

seven
    T he sign on the shrink’s door says : ‘Dr Goosens.’ What a crack.
Goosens
. Whoever invented the Cold Light of Day sure went to fucken town on it, boy. On the ride over here I had a truckload of ideas about how to act crazy, maybe pull some Kicked Dog, some Spooked Deer and all, like Mom does. I even thought I could maybe drop a load in my pants or something, as a last resort. It’s a slimy secret, I know it. I even loosened my asshole in case it came to that. But now, in the cold light of day, I just hope I flossed enough.
    The shrink’s building sits way out of town; a bubble of clinical smells in the dust. A receptionist with spiky teeth, and a voicebox made from bees trapped in tracing paper, sits behind a desk in the waiting room. She gives me the fucken shiver, but the jail guards don’t seem to notice her at all. I have an urge to ask her name, but I don’t. I can imagine her saying, ‘Why, I’m Graunley Stelt,’ or ‘Achtung Beed,’ or something way fucken bent. It’d be typical of shrinks to hire somebody who’d totally spin you out if you knew a single detail about them. If you weren’t edgy when you came in, you would be after you met the fucken receptionist.
    â€˜Bloop,’ an intercom hoots behind her desk.
    â€˜Didn’t you get my email?’ asks a man.
    â€˜No, Doctor,’ says the receptionist.
    â€˜
Please
monitor the systems, there’s no point upgrading our technology if you don’t monitor the
systems
. I emailed you
three minutes ago
for the next patient.’
    â€˜Yes, Doctor.’ She taps at her keyboard, scowls at the monitor, then looks at me. ‘The doctor will see you now.’
    My Nikes chirp over black and green linoleum, through a door,and into a room with supermarket lighting. Two armchairs sit by a window; an ole stereo rests beside one of them, with a notebook computer on top. At the back of the room stands a hospital bunk on wheels, with a towel over it. And there’s Dr Goosens; round, soft, butt-heavy, and as smug