What You Always Wanted by Kristin Rae

It’s only fair.”
    He scrunches his eyebrows together and curls up a corner of his mouth. “Like I read it.”
    Red rushes into the room, and before his butt even touches the chair, he asks, “Have you seriously never been kissed, Maddie?”
    â€œWhat?” My head snaps up at him, eyes wide, pulse racing. “Who told you that?”
    Red clears his throat but Jesse answers, “I heard it from Mike.”
    I keep my eyes fixed on Red, unable to face Jesse, and try my best to keep my voice down to avoid a scene, though I can’t imagine anyone within earshot is missing any of this.
    Brian. The little . . .
    My jaw clenches as I try to find a way out of this. Denial will only make me look guilty. And I
am
guilty because the rumor’s totally true. Owning it is probably the best way to go, even though all the decent guys might think there’s something wrong with me, that I’m undesirable.
    â€œCan you believe this hot little thing hasn’t been kissed?” Red says to Jesse. “Someone needs to do something about that.”
    Or maybe someone will want to do something about it. . . . That would explain the notes in my locker this morning. Brian and I are going to have words later. Many words.
    I collect my cool, counting to three and filling my lungs with a long, steady breath.
    â€œSo, it’s true, then?” Red asks, and I can see Jesse direct his gaze toward me. “You’re not exactly denying it.”
    There’s nothing wrong with saving my first kiss. I refuse to be teased about it.
    Mysterious. Be mysterious. Be attractive, alluring. Desirable.
    â€œWouldn’t you like to know?” I finally say.
    Red grunts, facing forward as the teacher walks in. “Such a tease.”
    â€œIs it true, what they’re saying?” Tiffany asks as she squirts mustard on her cheeseburger.
    I groan. Not them too.
    â€œHave you really not kissed anyone before?” Angela fluffs rice and some kind of meat with her fork. Her mom actually attempted a home-cooked meal last night and these are the unfortunate-smelling leftovers.
    â€œListen to you guys, helping spread rumors.” I cluck my tongue and change the subject. “Why don’t you help me figure out where I should work instead? My future car isn’t going to pay for itself.”
    Angela leans in and speaks low. “Hey, we’re trying to get to the bottom of this thing so we can help put a stop to it. Where did this even come from, anyway?”
    I wrinkle my nose. “Brian from theatre.” They wait for me to elaborate, so I give them a quick play-by-play of last night’s failed attempt at an audition practice.
    â€œSo, basically you’re saying you’ve never kissed anyone except in shows?” Tiffany raises her bottle of pop and says, “To the saddest thing I’ve ever heard,” then takes a swig.
    Angela ignores her. “What’s the holdup, exactly? You like boys, right? Why don’t you want to kiss them?”
    Can I tell them? Would they understand? Do
I
even understand why I’m still holding on to the dream of perfection? Does it exist anywhere?
    I swallow hard. “I just haven’t found the right guy yet.”
    â€œWell, buy yourself some new lip gloss because you can have your pick of the crop now,” Tiffany says. “I overheard a few guys in the lunch line talking about whether you had a date to homecoming yet.”
    â€œWhat guys?” I ask, ears perked.
    â€œI have no idea. I think they’re juniors.”
    I take a bite of my ham sandwich. “Brian asked me.”
    â€œWhat?” they ask at the same time.
    â€œHe must have been the one Mrs. M. was talking about,” Tiffany finishes. “Did he ask before or after he tried to plant one on you?”
    â€œAfter. Right before he left.” I exhale and toss the remains of my sandwich in my lunch box. “But it was