You Deserve a Drink: Boozy Misadventures and Tales of Debauchery by Mamrie Hart Page B

things about her meat loaf and then STOP READING!!
    After Candy Express, I checked out the new styles at Abercrombie & Fitch. Have you seen the boys who work at that store? They smell like a woodsy daydream, and the models are barely wearing clothes! Once I get my period and my boobs come in, I think I’ll model for them. If they’re lucky! Speaking of modeling, I saw this episode of “Saved by the Bell” last Saturday where Kelly Kapowski starts modeling. She does a photo shoot and the photographer tries to convince her to take off her top, which she refuses. They wanted her to go to France and she turned it down! What an idiot! Your last name is clearly Polish, Kelly. The Poles have a hard enough time living down their idiot stereotype without you adding to it. UGH. Who turns down Paris? If it were me, and I had boobs, I’d be topless on the Eiffel Tower, flaunting my croissants faster than you can say “Slater, please cut your mullet.”
    Speaking of France, last weekend I went to Carowinds with Kristen. * We pretended to speak French with each other to look exotic around boys. Every time there was a cute boy behind us in line for a roller coaster, we would launch into French gibberish. A couple of boys tried to talkto us but we pretended we couldn’t speak English. In retrospect, it was a terrible way to try to flirt with boys. They couldn’t understand us at all, and we spent half the time talking nonsense to each other instead of actually hanging out. Back to the mall!
    SO anyway, when we got to the pop-up Glamour Shots store, I was brought to a makeup chair. AN ENTIRE CHAIR JUST FOR MAKEUP! The mirror had all those little globe lights all around it like I was a real movie star.
    “Hi, I’m Maureen,” the makeup artist said, reaching out her French-manicured hand. She had beautifully teased hair and her fingers smelled like cigarettes. I knew I was in good hands. I said to her, “Look, I know it’s very hard to improve on perfection, but do your best. Ideally I am going for a D. J. Tanner from ‘Full House’ look, but literally tanner. Let’s say if D.J. were also a quarter Native American—that would be ideal.” Just so you can get a full understanding of how well this mash-up was executed, here’s the final pic!

    As you can see, Maureen did an epic job in contouring my cheekbones, which was totally my idea. I asked her if she could shade in some striking angles to take away the chubbiness of my cheeks. I didn’t want to get my proofs back and see myself looking like a chipmunk. Although, if Iwere a chipmunk, I would definitely be dating Alvin, the hottest of all chipmunks. Alvin is such a bad boy. He’s always getting into trouble and can sing like crazy. However, if Alvin and I were to ever start dating, I would have to give him a total makeover. The dude wears long shirts and no pants. What’s up with that?! Alvin, you look like you’re going through a mental breakdown and have resorted to wearing only nightgowns. Not a good look. At least Simon has brains and Theodore found a chubby chaser. Get it together, Alvin!
    I had a little bit of a tiff with Maureen while we were picking out wardrobe. I asked if it would be possible to stuff my bra and she “didn’t think that was appropriate.” You know what’s not appropriate, Maureen? Chain-smoking a pack of Kools and not washing your hands before slapping bronzer on a 10-year-old.
    At least I got to wear my favorite color. Metallic blue. They had this sweet jacket, which I can only imagine was 100% real leather, and they even gave me matching earrings! As you know, Diary, I don’t have my ears pierced (I’m no slut), but luckily, these were clip-ons. They looked rad but I felt like I had two boat anchors attached to my ears. I imagined taking off the earrings and my lobes being totally stretched out. Just dangling on my shoulders like those women in Mom’s “National Geographic” magazines. But sometimes you need to sacrifice for beauty,