An Accidental Life by Pamela Binnings Ewen

felt after the Spin-it interview, and the excitement of the trip to Italy vanished as everything now came swooping back, bringing an acute sense of the dilemma she was facing. The thought of having a child terrified her, she suddenly realized. And those bells just made things worse, taunting her with comfort in a faith that she didn’t have, the comfort of knowing that an absolute truth existed, like Amalise believed.
    Right now, she wanted a guide. She needed something like a menu with the choices labeled and stars placed near the favored dishes. She looked down, scratching at the fabric covering the armrest in an absent manner. “I’ve got a free weekend coming up, so Peter and I are taking off this afternoon. We’re going to Italy for a few days.”
    “Oh, I love the way you two just take off like that. You’re like Scott and Zelda. It must be fun.” Amalise leaned back with a dreamy look in her eyes. “Sometimes I wish Jude and I could do things like that, just for a day or two.”
    Rebecca was silent.
    Amalise sat up straight and crossed her arms. “My idea of a weekend off these days is Audubon Park with Luke.” Then she added quickly, “Not that I really mind.”
    “I imagine Luke could make a trip to the park unique,” Rebecca said. “Remember when I took him to see the meteorite a few years ago?” Local lore was that the large stone in the middle of a fairway in Audubon Park was a meteorite which had fallen from space long ago. Luke was fascinated with science, especially anything from outer space.
    Amalise laughed. “He talks about that all the time. Now he’s begging to go to the NASA museum in Houston. He wants to see the moon rocks.” She rested her elbow on the chair armrest and her chin on her fist.
    Luke was a curious child, blooming under Jude and Amalise’s constant love. He was inquisitive and dug into things until he found answers and understood them. Much like Amalise, she thought. Despite the depression, Rebecca smiled at the thought of Luke. He loved to read, and most of what he read was science and biology and physics, not the usual children’s stories.
    Amalise brought her back. “But what did you want to talk about? Is something wrong?”
    Glancing down at her skirt, Rebecca brushed a piece of lint from the fabric. Yes, she had a problem.
    Amalise waited, clasping her hands before her on the desk. Outside the office typewriters clacked, phones rang, footsteps passed.
    It took a moment to begin, but once Rebecca began the words spilled out. Amalise listened in silence. Rebecca was vaguely conscious that her voice had turned monotone, as if none of this was real, as if she was telling someone else’s story. She told Amalise of the visit to Dr. Matlock, and the news that she was pregnant.
    Looking up, she caught the beginning of Amalise’s smile and held up both hands. With a start, Amalise’s smile died.
    Rebecca went on. She told Amalise about the agreement she’d wrung from Peter before they’d married—the promise, so far as she was concerned, that had been at the core of their marriage vows—a pledge of the heart each to the other that there would be no children in their marriage. Never. No children would ever come between them or distract from their careers.
    No child would ever be harmed by her again. Like Elise. But that she kept to herself.
    “It was our choice,” she said, conscious that her voice was growing thick with gathering tears. She swallowed.
    “I understand. Like I said the other day, you had every right to make that choice, you and Peter.” Amalise gave her a knowing look. “Have you told him yet?”
    “Not yet.”
    Amalise leaned forward, arms on the desk. “Hmm. Well, how are you feeling, physically, I mean?”
    Rebecca folded her arms and looked off through the window. “I’m in good health, the doctor says. There’s been a little nausea.” A second passed. “And I’m getting fat.”
    “You’re not.” Amalise smiled and gave her a