Becoming Me by Melody Carlson Page A

(or even believe for that matter) is the next thing Jenny said. And actually, I hope with all my heart that she is lying. But then why would she lie?
    Jenny then told me that after Josh brought her home, he continued to “comfort” her and the next thing she knew they were up in her room making out. Her mom came home early and Josh actually jumped right out her window, which she seemed to think was pretty hilarious! Well, I think I could’ve just died right there in Jenny’s car (and not because Josh landed in the rosebush!), but fortunately we were at my house by then, and I managed to thank her and get out and find my way to the front door before I collapsed inside. Now I feel like someone has rammed a huge dagger right into my chest and is twisting it!
    Can what she said possibly be true? Why would Josh do something like that to me? And even though I’ve been in my room crying for the last hour, I’m still hoping that it’s a horrible, horrible lie. I’ve decided that if Josh doesn’t call me, I will call him. At least I think I will. I’m not totallysure. In fact, I’m not sure about anything right now, except that I’m in pain. Severe pain. If what Jenny said is true, I want to know: How do you live through something like this?
    And can I?
(later that same evening)
    I cannot bring myself to call Josh. I cannot bear to sound so totally pitiful as to call him and ask if this is true. Why hasn’t he called me? It makes me think that it must be true! And if it’s true, how can I live? How can I see him at school and say nothing? How can I pretend that nothing ever happened between us? And how can I continue to be friends with Jenny Lambert? If what she said is true, I feel like I hate her—hate her with my whole heart.
    I think I hate myself too.
    Life is too miserable.
March 7, Wednesday (my darkest hour)
    My life is over. Absolutely over. And I am not just being melodramatic. It is over. Completely over.
    I did it. Today, I confronted Josh about this whole stupid mess—and right in the middle of everything Jenny walked up from behind. And without me knowing it, she stood there and listened to me go on. I don’t even think I really care that she heard a lot of what I said (at least she’s seeing a side of Josh she maybe wasn’t aware of). It was an awful scene. Jenny started yelling and Josh said absolutely nothing! I can’t even bring myself to write downall the details of it right now.
    Suffice it to say that I truly wish I were dead and that my life would be over, completely over. I’ve never been the type of person to seriously consider suicide (and even as I write those words it sounds a little crazy), but the truth is I’ve had those thoughts today. It would be such an easy escape just to have everything be all over with. It would finally stop this pain that is devouring my heart like a fast-acting cancer. What I wouldn’t do just to make it all end.
    I think I could’ve withstood the public humiliation when Jenny tore into me in front of (what I had just begun to think of as) my friends (but who, of course, no longer are). And I could have lived through losing Jenny’s friendship (which has without a doubt occurred today). But what is killing me more than any of this is that Josh has chosen Jenny over me. It’s just that simple.
    I am yesterday’s news (without ever making the news). He has picked Jenny (the cheerleader) Lambert over Caitlin (the nobody) O’Conner.
    Even after all that happened and all he said last weekend (only three days ago—and yet it seems like another lifetime) he has turned his back completely on me as if I were nothing more than a moment’s entertainment, and he has chosen Jenny. And, yes, by the way, they did do it in her bedroom just like she told me. At least Jenny isn’t a liar.
    I wonder if it hurts to die. Surely, it cannot hurt any more than to live like this. And I’m certain that I cannever show my face in school again. I wonder if I could transfer over