Becoming Me by Melody Carlson Page B

to McFadden. Or maybe do homeschool.
    I know that Mom’s really worried about me. She knows that I came home from school before lunchtime, and then barricaded myself in my room all day (teachers have some special network for these things), and even Benjamin has begged me to come out and eat something. Aunt Stephie came over to talk to me. But I just cannot talk to anyone right now. I keep telling them, I just need to be alone to think (like Dad says, to figure things out).
    Maybe if I stay up here long enough, I can simply die from a natural cause like starvation. Or perhaps it’s actually possible to die from a broken heart. Surely the pain is enough to kill you.
    God, are you still there? Can you even hear me? Did you make all this happen to me? Do you even care?

TEN
March 16, Friday (I survived)
    I know, it’s been a long, long while since I’ve written anything in my diary. I guess that’s because I’ve been living in the black abyss these past two weeks. Somehow I made it to school for the rest of that hopelessly awful week (after I made such a fool of myself).
    I wore black and kept my head down low and spoke to no one. Even Beanie tried to talk to me, but I just snapped at her and told her to mind her own business. I knew Jenny and her friends (and probably everyone else) were all talking about me behind my back, whispering as I passed them in the halls. Somehow it didn’t really seem to matter all that much. Not compared to the hurt I felt inside about Josh. Somehow, I have managed not to see him for nearly two weeks. Maybe God is watching over me, just a little, after all. Now that it’s spring break, I have a whole week without having to slink down a hallway trying to avoid almost everyone.
    I think the biggest miracle is that I’m still alive (andI’m not kidding). But the fact is: I am. And although I feel like I’m a totally different person, I have survived this. I guess that’s okay that I’m different. I think maybe I needed to change. But changing like that sure hurts. I don’t think I could go through too much more of it. I suppose it’s true what they say about time healing all wounds—although at the rate I’m going it may take a couple more years to get just partially over this. According to Aunt Stephie, God is there and he’s ready to help. Maybe he’s helping me already. I’m just not sure.
    It has occurred to me that I may have made a big mistake on that ski retreat weekend (okay, maybe several mistakes), but there’s one that I think is bigger than the rest. I think I made the mistake of choosing Josh over God. At the time it seemed right to me—probably because it felt so good. But I am questioning where my life might be right now if I’d chosen differently. And I’m wondering if it’s too late to undo it. Oh, of course, I know I can’t undo what I’ve done with my “popular” so-called friends or with Josh. None of them will talk to me anymore. To tell you the truth I don’t even care.
    I think Beanie noticed that something has changed in me, and despite the fact that I bit her head off a week or so ago, she has surprisingly (or not) been reaching out to me again. But now I feel so bad about the way I treated her that I am almost afraid to talk to her. Although, I finally did agree to see her this weekend. I’mjust not sure what I’ll say.
    I suppose I should begin with “I’m sorry.”
March 17, Saturday (Beanie’s back)
    Beanie came over today. It was so good to spend time with her again. What could I have been thinking these last three months when I shut her out of my life? What a stupid, shallow person I have been! Beanie has more depth and character and intelligence in her little finger than all those “popular” kids put together. I don’t know how I missed that.
    Well, right off the bat, I told her how sorry I was about all that nonsense, and Beanie (being Beanie) just totally forgave me. Then she told me about what’s been going on with her of late.