Calling Me Home by Louise Bay Page A

started to fit together pieces of the last few weeks. The lethargy, the heightened sense of smell, the fact that food I normally loved wasn’t tasting so great—not to mention the distinct lack of my period. I couldn’t be, could I? I was on the pill and . . . I must be just sharing symptoms with Haven. I’d read that sometimes happened to close friends. At least, I thought I’d read it. I was probably coming down with something I’d picked up at the hospital. All this talk of Haven’s pregnancy was making me paranoid.
    “I can’t wait for you and Luke to have kids. Say you won’t leave it too long. I want ours to be best friends. They can grow up together like we did.”
    My heart swelled at the thought, but then I caught myself. “We’ve been living together for five seconds. We’re not about to get pregnant. And I’m not sure Luke wants kids. He keeps saying how sorry he feels for Jake being a father so quickly.”
    “Typical that he doesn’t feel sorry for me. You’ve not talked about kids with him?” Haven asked.
    I shrugged. I did want children and not having them would be a far bigger compromise for me than not getting married. I shivered as, for a fleeting second, I considered the possibility of life without Luke. I was pretty sure that if Luke wanted kids, he would have said something by now.
    And that’s why there was no way I could be pregnant. A pregnancy would destroy Luke and me, and force me to make a choice that I wasn’t willing to make.
    “What do you mean? You don’t want to have my brother’s kids?”
    “I don’t think he wants kids, so we’re not getting pregnant.” I’d not had time to think about this seriously since we’d been together. I loved him so much that what was important was being together. I’d never let my mind wander past that point.
    “Has he actually said that he doesn’t want kids with you?”
    “We’ve not discussed it. Are you crazy? Why would we be discussing things like that? I’m not ready to even think about it. And it’s pretty clear how Luke feels.”
    Of course, I’d thought about it in the abstract. I knew I wanted to be a mother at some point. I also knew I wanted to be with Luke, and he had no interest in having children. I guess after being in love with a guy my whole life, somehow I’d not found time to think through the practicalities of actually being with him. Was it possible that he wasn’t going to be able to give me the life that I wanted? My stomach flipped as I realized that at some point I’d have to choose—become a mother or be with Luke. Although I hoped I had just gotten my dates mixed up, there was a possibility that I might have to choose sooner rather than later.
    “How do you know if he’s never told you?”
    “You know how he was with Emma. He doesn’t do the change thing very well. He wouldn’t even marry Emma, let alone have . . .”
    “But we’re not talking about Luke and Emma. We’re talking Luke and you. I’m sure if you want kids, Luke will come round to the idea.”
    My stomach rolled at the thought of having to convince Luke about what our future together would look like.
    “I’m excited to be an unofficial aunt, though,” I said, trying to change the subject.
    “Jake told me that he’ll be on baby duty as often as I want him to. So you and I can still go out like we did before. And I’m going to get a nanny so I can keep working.” Jake was a smart guy. He knew as well as I did that as soon as their baby arrived, Haven’s huge heart would explode, and she wouldn’t let her baby out of her sight. He just was clever enough not to try to tell her before she was ready to hear it.
    “You don’t need to worry—you’ll be a wonderful mother.”
    “You think?”
    She’d be a great mom. “I know.” I hoped she’d have the opportunity to say those words back to me someday.

    I stuffed the two pregnancy tests back into their box, put the box inside a grocery bag and put the bag into the