Dogfight by Calvin Trillin

been too quick to spare the rod
    In Syria, when dealing with Assad,
    And hadn’t made it clear how we will ban
    The bomb from all those mad dogs in Iran.
    ----
         Romney Outsources His Foreign Policy to the Neoconservatives
    After 9/11, the neocons captured one Republican president who was naïve about the world. Now … they have captured another would-be Republican president and vice president, both jejune about the world.
    —Maureen Dowd,
The New York Times
        Advisers to Mitt from the neocon right
        Believe that America must show its might.
        Though draft dodgers all, they’re in favor of force—
        With other folks’ kids on the front lines, of course.
        Through Romney’s campaign, they have all slithered back—
        The people who brought you the war in Iraq.
    ----
    Obama’s weak, Mitt tried hard to contend—
    Although considering Osama’s end,
    That notion wasn’t such an easy sell.
    And some thought it would not help Mitt to dwell
    On matters like what touched off Mideast mobs
    Instead of concentrating hard on jobs.
    He’d started out by saying that’s what mattered,
    But now the shots from Mitt’s campaign seemed scattered.
    Barack’s convention bounce did not recede,
    And gradually he opened up a lead.
    Mitt’s team was braced for what the polls were bringing:
    That states that swung were now no longer swinging.
    Yes, in Ohio, many polls would find
    That Mitt was ten percentage points behind.
    ----
         Ohio
        
(A reprise sung by Republicans)
        Why, oh why, oh why-oh?
        Why are we losing in Ohio?
        Why is this our fate in our golden-ring state?
        This simply doesn’t compute.
        What a lame campaigner!
        Given his gaffes, Mitt should stay mute.
        Oh why, oh why-oh, should we lose Ohio?
        How could we ever have chosen this guy-oh?
        Maybe we should have picked Newt.
    ----
    When analysts then analyzed the polling,
    Some said the bell for Mitt’s campaign was tolling.
    Some right-wing bloggers said that they would guess
    That pollsters are as biased as the press.
    The Romney campaign spokesmen said, “Just wait:
    Our man will crush him in the first debate.”
    The pundits said, whenever they’d expound,
    Mitt still had time to turn this thing around.
    But, given early voting, they would note,
    Some states had folks now lining up to vote.

30.
  
First Debate
    From pols and pundits, therefore, what we heard
    Was that the first debate, October third,
    Was something close to Romney’s do or die.
    Advice to him was not in short supply.
    Aggressiveness is good, said some, although
    Not so aggressive that you fail to show
    You’re likable. (Well, sort of—more or less.)
    Remember that when starting to aggress.
    Specifics, some said, were what Romney needs—
    Though those could get him lost among the weeds.
    So no specifics? Or should Romney fling
    Some zingers, or embrace the vision thing?
    Newt Gingrich, who, to judge by his career,
    Might counsel Mitt to bite Obama’s ear,
    Was much less snarky, offering advice
    That humor often proves a great device—
    Though laughs from Mitt would be an aberration
    As likely as some aural mastication.
    ----
         Newt Gingrich’s Deepest Feelings About Mitt Romney’s Upcoming Debate with Barack Obama
        
(Sung standing alone on center stage, illuminated by a single spot, during a guest appearance by the Speaker on
Glee
)
        Our candidate must—and right here is the key—
        Express big ideas, as big as the sea.
        He must fill our base with tremendous esprit.
        With supersized schemes, he must show just how he
        Will see that free enterprise always stays free.
        He must be heroic, like some Maccabee.
        The bottom line, friends, is so simple to see.
        It should have been me! Oh yes, don’t you agree?
        It should have been me! Yes, it. Should. Have. Been. Me!
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    In