I've Been Deader by Adam Sifre

end of the park, followed by Fred's reason for being here.
    The silent little girl ran after the dog. Nearly doubled over, arms stretched out before her, she gained on Niki. Fred was surprised at how fast she ran. If Red Bull ever expanded its market to the undead, he had just found their spokesperson.
    Fred didn't know why undead children were so much quicker than adult zombies. He had a theory that nature or evolution or whatever provided the talent to compensate for their relative physical weakness. It made sense. It also explained why some zombies had different talents. Some talents would help them survive and some wouldn't. The ones that died took their useless talents with them and the ones that survived passed their talents on. He recalled seeing one zombie with the ability to set fires with its hands. It demonstrated this by scratching its ass and setting itself ablaze.
    The girl ran behind Niki, her wild, filthy blonde hair flying behind her. Both continued to run straight at him. Even for an undead child, this one was fast. A few moments later Niki's yaps turned to yelps as the girl, still running, held her struggling catch in her outstretched hands.
    Fred transmitted a simple command and she came to an abrupt halt. For a brief second he thought she looked angry, but that was impossible. Niki whined, yelped and peed. In his mind, Fred made a mental picture of 'Paradise Chinese Buffet'.
    Go , he thought. The girl turned and started to run the way she had come.
    Wait . Obedient, she stopped.
    Eat first .
     
    5. Recruit Runners. Check
     
     

Chapter 15
     
    Government Work
     
    The text on screen jumped and jittered worse than a liberal at a Rush Limbaugh surprise party.
    President Dobbs ignored the teleprompter and shifted into ad-lib mode, making a mental note to declare a national holiday in memory of the day when something went right - should that ever happen.
    "I don't need to tell you, my fellow Americans, that we stand at a crossroads, the likes of which recorded history has never seen. Not since the early years of the Obama administration and its relentless pursuit of national health care, has the American way of life been so openly threatened."
    He paused to clear his throat, letting the viewers see their leader caught up in the emotion of the moment, and giving him a few seconds to figure out what to say next.
    "But I do not fear for this country. I do not. Americans have a proud tradition of gaining strength from adversity. Nobility through sacrifice. Like our fathers and their father's fathers before them, we will prevail. By doing everything that is necessary to ensure victory. No matter how great or how daunting the obstacles placed on the road to victory may seem."
    Behind the camera his Chief of Staff and the Vice President exchanged worried looks. It didn't take a genius to guess what they were thinking. Dealing with an army of undead and a bunch of rabid radio talk-show hosts was bad enough. They didn't need an ad-libbing president fucking up the works on National TV.
    Dobbs decided to wrap it up before he started channeling George Bush. Better to forget what needed to be said than to say something he would later need the public to forget.
    "And so, I make this promise to you, my fellow citizens. We will eradicate this plague during the first term of my administration, and, contrary to what some of the more vocal critics of my administration have repeated time and time again, we will do so without raising taxes on ninety-eight percent of the population."
    Out of the corner of his eye, Dobbs saw his Chief of Staff relax. The one unbreakable rule - whether it was subsidizing corn farmers, instituting a new homeland security agency, or eradicating flesh-eating zombies - was always to assure the people that someone else was going to pay for it.
    "We will succeed. Our children will return to school again. Our hospitals will reopen. As will your neighborhood food markets. We will stay the course and we