Love Rewards The Brave by Anya Monroe

as bleak.
    The snow-white wash is now dirty slush
    and everyone who comes through the door
    is a hurried mush.
    Two days till Christmas.
    At least the record store avoids
    obnoxious jingle bell songs
    opting instead for hipster
    Indie bands rocking along.
    I can deal. with. that.
     
    Just as I finish washing the doors,
    Jess appears.
    She’s perfectly dressed for a blizzard in
    a Dr. Seuss book.
    Neon pink cap and
    coat to match.
     
    “What’s up?” I ask, knowing she’s probably ready to freak out on me.
     
    I’ve been avoiding all texts, emails, and
    pokes.
    Pretending that work is keeping me too busy
    to joke
    or hang out or you know, be a friend.
    God.
     
    “Are you mad at me or something?” she asks.
     
    Jess follows me back to the supply closet.
    I put up the cleaner and towels
    in perfect order.
    Wanting to maintain that I have total control.
    Give no one a hint that I’m about to fold
    if I can’t find something to grab
    hold
    of.
     
    “No, why would I be mad at you?”
     
    I try and act casual, but she can tell
    my lie is blaringly
    bad.
     
    “I don’t know, Louisa, you’ve been totally MIA all week, and I was getting pissed, but then I came in here and saw that guy.”
     
    She points to Toby
    in his skinny fit Levi’s
    black square frames
    flannel shirt sweater vest
    tousled hair barely tamed.
     
    “And I totally get why you have been busy!” She laughs at me
    like I am supposed to be in on it.
     
    I don’t have time for this
    anymore.
     
    “It’s not that, Jess. God. Okay? I just have a bunch of shit going on…and Ms. F is being a hard ass…you know? So cut it out.”
     
    I turn to walk away
    not wanting to spend my break this way.
    I’m being a horrible friend
    and I know it,
    but I don’t know how to stop it
    unless I let her
    in.
    And since I’m not prepared for that
    my best bet
    is to push her away first
    before she I can be hurt.
     
    “What’s your problem, Louisa? I’ve just been worried about you, and my parents wanted you to come with us to our cabin for New Years so I’ve been wanting to ask you that too, but whatever. Clearly you don’t want to hang out with me. I can get a fucking clue.”
     
    Self-Preservation
    Can Be A
    Bitch.
     
    “I don’t think I’d be able go anyway. Besides, I’m sure Markus would love to make snow angels or whatever with you.”
     
    “I don’t want to go with Markus. I wanted to go with you, my best friend.”
     
    “Well, it won’t work for me. I have this job now, Jess, I have to be responsible, okay?”
     
    “The store isn’t even open those days, Louisa.” She points to the sign on the freshly washed door. CLOSED: CHRISTMAS EVE and DAY. NEW YEARS EVE and DAY. “Why do you have to be like this?”
     
    “It’s not you, it’s me, Jess. I swear. I just don’t have time for….”
     
    I wave my arms in front of myself
    saying words I don’t mean
    probably causing a scene.
     
    “So, you’re like, breaking up with me?” Jess asks, tears in her eyes.
     
    She stands in disbelief
    trying to piece
    together what is happening.
     
    “I guess so.” I say.
     
    I look her in the eyes
    blank stare on my face
    not wanting to trace
    the reasons why it needs to end.
     
    “Whatever, Louisa. I don’t get it. Get you. You’ve been better than any boyfriend I’ve ever had because you are my best friend. But I guess it wasn’t the same for you.”
     
    She turns away
    because what more is there to say
    when someone pushes you to go?
     
    I walk into the bathroom and shut the door
    I fall to the floor
    and crumble
    just like Benji’s suicide note.
    I wonder who will
    ever smooth me out
    and fold me up
    and put me in the
    palm of their
    hand.
     
     

98.
     
    Christmas Eve starts quietly
    and it is exactly what I need.
    Lying in my bed I keep the
    blanket wrapped around my body
    I have been at 6-Spot
    everyday for the last five days
    and I’m spent.
     
    Ms. Francine has been constantly worried,
    trying to talk