Puckoon by Spike Milligan

times before. Last year he set course for Madras and
arrived at Elba. As Ah Pong remarked,' Scotsman doesn't know his Madras from
his Elba.' The little Chinese had done the trip to escape the stark poverty of
China and was soon happily walking in the stark poverty of Ireland. He had
jumped ship in Dublin with his worldly fortune of twelve pounds in yens. The
money was pre-Czarist and was in several stages of devaluation at the same
time. It took a Dublin bank clerk eighteen hours and two mental breakdowns to
work out the exchange. Ah Pong came out with a smile and asked the first
stranger:
    ' Hello General Gordon, where
China
Town
?'
    Not having one, the Dubliner thought
the next best thing would be the Jewish quarter. He took Ah Pong to Frogg
Street and pointed to a sign ' Bed and Breakfast for hire.' A large woman
opened a small door.
    ' You want a
room ?' Mrs Goldberg asked.
    ' Please , I
not make English much, hello - I come lite out
Peking
.
    Oh hello - General Gordon. Me.'
    'I don't know what he's sayin',' she
shouted back down the passage. ' I think its General
Gordon,' she added.
    'Wot is it?' Mr Goldberg came
blinking-shuffling up the corridor.
    'Oh,' he saw Ah Pong. 'He's all
right, he's a Foreigner, they eat anything. Come in,
come in.' He made a friendly gesture with the Dublin Jewish Chronicle. 'You a tourist then?'
    'Me Chinee.'
    ' Oh , you a
Chinee ? Well, well. We live and learn, eh ? How's Sun
Yat Sen gettin' on ?'
    ' Cup of
tea, Mr Chinese ?' asked Mrs Goldberg, removing the cost.
    Ah Pong made a sign in mime that he
wished a bed for the night, lying on the floor and placing his hands along his
head.
    'See that, Rachel,' said the
enlightened Mr Goldberg, ' Chinese drink it lying down.'
    A puzzled Chinee watched as both
Goldbergs took his tea stretched on the floor. Lodgers were hard to come by,
and at all costs to be encouraged.
    A true son of the Orient, Ah Pong
carried his customs with him.
    The Chinese New Year came. 'Happy New
Year,' he shouted to a tram full of puzzled Dubliners and was bodily hurled
off. For weeks he had searched for employment. His little store of money soon
dwindled. One day he told the Goldbergs, 'Hello. Goodbye.
    Me I money all
gone. No work here for Chinee. I bugger off, General Gordon.'
    The Goldbergs had grown very fond of
the little man. He paid his rent on the dot and didn't mind chickens in his
bedroom. Mr Goldberg remembered the new Republic was desperately short of
policemen. They had advertised the fact in The Sligo Clarion
    -'Aden of good physique over 4 ft 3
ins. will find a good life in the new Irish Free State Police Force.'
    Inspector Gogarty Muldoon was hard
put to it. He parry-diddled a pencil on his desk. 'A
Chinee,' he kept muttering and looking out the window. ' God knows we need recruits . . . but a Chinee?' He stood up.
    A fine wreck of a man dissipated by a
thousand nights of debauchery, he had obtained his present position by sending
his immediate superior an April fool telegram. 'All is known,' that's all it
said. The effect was startling. His superior had fled the country and was now a
Sanitary Inspector in Madrid. The current shortage of men was Muldoon's only
worry. Blinking at him was the pneumatic face of Sgt Behan.
    'He's a nice little feller, sir,' he
said.
    'Nice, yes, Behan, but consider the
prospect.
    If Ah Pong becomes a constable he's
bound to succeed, as the Chinese are very clever. I read that. Now - ' the
Inspector pulled the lobe of his nose, ' - he'll write to his relations in
Peking and tell them that there is jobs over here with uniforms, lodgings, pay
and allowances.' He looked at Behan. 'Don't you see, Sergeant? If Ah Pong gets in, ten years from now the entire police force of
Ireland
would
be Chinese.'
    ' Including me ?' asked the worried sergeant.
    The Inspector didn't reply. 'We could
make him a policeman if there's a quiet out-of-the-way post ter send him, and
bring the Irish constable back to Dublin where he is needed.' He looked at