Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality by Darrel Ray

are much more comfortable withtheir bodies, easily admit to masturbating, openly discuss ways to negotiate safe sex and condom use and generally have no reluctance in talking about sexual ideas. Many of the discussions I have had with secular groups on campuses or in humanist or atheist community groups have been easy and natural. The same discussion and content would get me kicked out of a Campus Crusade for Christ meeting or a Baptist Sunday School.
The Urge for Variety
    In marriage, the urge for variety and change arises within a few years. She will want to do something more than missionary position; he will want to experiment with oral sex; she will want him to pull her hair occasionally; he will want to have her dress up like a slut sometimes. Unfortunately, none of this will happen if both think these are potentially sinful behaviors.
    The guilt cycle works to keep both sides quiet, within narrow sexual boundaries. Unable to communicate and fearful of their spouse’s judgment, sex slowly dies over a period of years, but the sex drive does not go away. He will start using pornography and masturbating more. She will avoid his physical advances. She will start reading more romance novels and engulf herself in children or church activities. He will go out with friends and spend huge amounts of time doing his hobbies in the garage.
    Eventually, she may find his porn stash and feel extremely hurt and rejected. She may lash out at him, berating him for defiling their marriage. For his part, he may see her reading dozens of trashy novels and feel that she may be interested in romance but not in him. The hurt may come out as verbal abuse or constantly finding fault in one another.
    If things get bad enough, they may go for marital counseling with their minister, who will pray with them. That is about all he can do, since advice on actual sexual behavior runs the risk of revealing unbiblical thinking. If he is a Catholic priest, it is even worse, since he’s not supposed to have any first-hand experience with sex.
    The double problem for the Protestant minister is that he is very likely having the same problems as his members, but he and his wife cannot discuss or reveal them to anyone or talk to each other. It is a religiously transmitted disease but no one will admit it.
Thought Police
    The cycle of behavior we have described has consequences far beyond the church. Religious training and indoctrination creates internal states that are in conflict with natural urges and drives. A person feels condemned by his own sex drive. God has created him as a sexual being and then condemns him for acting on that drive. Indoctrination tells him that the church’s teaching cannot be wrong, so it must be his sinful nature and Satan tempting him.
    Such misattribution means the root cause will not be found and no cure or treatment is possible. It is like a diabetic who refuses to believe that her diabetes is caused or exacerbated by the five cokes and pint of ice cream she eats each day. There may be medical treatments to reduce the symptoms, but sooner or later the disease will flare up with all its consequences.
    Religion is a master at thought diversion. For example, if you have a normal sexual thought, religion can distort and divert that thought into something guilt-inducing.
    Compare these thinking processes:
    A religious person:
“God hates porn. I succumbed to temptation and feel guilty for looking at a porn site last night.”
“I love my husband, but the new minister really turns me on. I am a loathsome person for even thinking about such things.”
    A non-religious person:
“It was fun looking at that porn site last night. Glad I found it. It gave me some ideas for my wife and me to explore, and I enjoyed masturbating to one of the scenes.”
“That new man at work really turns me on. I think I’ll tell my husband about him. He seems to enjoy knowing I get turned on by other men.”
    Which of these individuals will have a