Shampoo by Karina Almeroth

all sad.
    I am so stupid.
     
     
     
    Wednesday 26 July 2000
    12.22pm

    Not at work today. Renee tried to send me home
yesterday but I stubbornly refused to leave.
    I have no other guys around at the moment. Evvy
gone, Nick stopped calling.
    And Matt Johnson will never ask me
out.
    All I wanted was Ever. Stupid, sexy
Everard.
    Laying in bed, watching all the romance on Days
of Our Lives, is making me even sadder.
     
    5.28pm
    Renee rang at 4.30pm and told me I’m not coming
into work tomorrow.
    My workplace is SO ass backwards.
    Nat rang from work, too, all upset over
Dan
     
    (if he’s anything like Evvy, I get it
now),
     
    and we talked about getting a house
together.
    I hate hearing her upset. My heart breaks. Just
want my sister to be happy.
    I love living on my own, but since I’ve lived
with Nat my whole life, she’s the only one I could ever live
with.
    She seemed so happy I said I’d move out with
her! I love when she’s happy. I don’t think she’s truly been happy
in a long time.
    That just crushes me.
    Speaking of crushed, and broken hearts, I think
I’m dying of one.
    I really don’t want tomorrow off work. It’s so
hard to be alone all day and not have my mind kept off
everything.
    I think about him all the time with nothing to
distract me.
     
    6.34pm
    OH MY GOD, EVVY RANG!!!
    And said he’s coming over.
    I can’t believe it!!
    Why is he coming over??
    Oh god, I look like shit!!!

    9.04pm
    I am so not going to cry. I feel numb
anyway!
    So he arrived, looking his usual HOT, and
mucking around and joking with me, like he always does. Then I just
died on my bed, I am so sick, and Ever jumped into bed with me, and
we just started arguing straight away!
    “ I just want something a bit more
real THAN THIS – ” I said.
    And he said he doesn’t want a girlfriend cause
of his LAST girlfriend
     
    (his imaginary one???),
     
    and because of couples like Nat and Dan and
Josie and Mark, and how I’m so much like Nat!!
    (what!!!)

    “ Just tell me you don’t care then,
Evvy, and be done with it! So we can end this!!”
    “ The decision is up to you whether
we end this, cause I’M NOT ENDING IT!!”
    “ Well I’m not ending it
EITHER!!”
    “ Neither am I!”
    “ Oh dear God, just ONE OF US end
it!!” I moaned.
    “ So you want to end it?”
    “ No!” I cried. “But I can’t go on
like this either!”
    And he just got up and left then!!
    Just hopped out of bed and stomped to my
(locked) door. He turned to me, demanded, “Let me out,
woman,”

    (I’ll let him out, alright!!)

    so I sighed, got up, unlocked the door while he
glared at me, then stupidly followed him out to his car.

    (one of us is a gentleman)

    Then we started going over the same things all
over again by his car.
    I begged again, “Just tell me you don’t
care!”
    “ No.”
    “ It’ll be SO MUCH EASIER –
”
    “ Well it won’t be true!”
    I sighed. “Let’s take a break for a few weeks.
Work out what we want. If you’re still thinking of me in a few
weeks, maybe it’ll work.” I don’t know what I was saying. I was
just exhausted and done.
    “ I’ll get over you,” he then said,
CRUELLY.
    “ What?” I said in an ominous, I want
to kill you voice.
    “ I’ll still be thinking of you, but
I’ll get over it.”
    I was crushed by his words. “I can’t go on like
this.”
    “ Look, I just hate being told what
to do! Like having to kiss you Saturday night.”
    I shook my head at him, watching him in the
dark, thinking I just wanted to be in his arms. “It should come
naturally, if you cared about me or wanted me. You’d just WANT to
kiss me. No matter who’s around.”
    Ever just gave me an insolent shrug. But he was
still standing there.
    “ Why can’t you do this stuff? The
basics?”
    “ I don’t…know.” His voice caught,
and when it did, it caught my heart.
    He looked sad. Devastated, actually.
    (I was his mirror image, I’m sure)

    “ Can I give you a kiss goodnight?”
he asked.