The Confession by Jeanette Muscella

by
the subtle insinuation.
    “Think of it as an
incentive to remain diligent, John, ” Father Mallard said
coldly. He rose from behind his desk and left the room.
    John looked at Adam in confusion. “I do not like being
threatened.”
    Adam agreed. “Neither do I,
John.”

    My clerical collar feels like a noose
around my desk. I am angry. Father Mallard was out of line, and I
will not let anything or anyone hurt Gail. I need to see my
daughter. I have an overwhelming urge to look at her beautiful
face. What is happening to me? I know I will never be a part of her
life. Should anyone outside the church discover the truth about my
daughter, it would force me to admit my sin to the congregation,
and further hurt and shame my family. I will not let that
happen.
    The drive back to the
hospital takes about ten minutes. It was nearing the end of
visiting hours and I feel relieved to see her room empty of
visitors. I do not want to see Adam. My face still aches from our
earlier confrontation. The only light illuminating Gail’s hospital
room is a small night light over her hospital bed. She looks
fragile lying there with her leg propped up on pillows. I once
again feel a tightening in my chest. I walk over to her bed and
gently touch her hand with my fingertips. The brush of my fingers
awakens Gail. When she opens her eyes, my heart nearly stopped
beating because I am staring at my eyes. I am trying in vain to
control the tsunami that erupts in me when I hear her timid
voice.
    “Uncle John, is that you?”
    “Yes, my little angel,” I say as I lean
forward and kiss her forehead. “Why are you awake?”
    “My leg hurts, and I can’t sleep. I’m
afraid to be here alone.”
    Moving closer, I lower the guardrail
and sit gently on the edge of the bed. “Hold my hand sweetheart and
close your eyes. I will stay with you until you fall asleep. Would
you like me to sing something for you?”
    “Yes, Uncle John. It might help me to
fall asleep.”
    “Close your eyes and relax.”
    In hushed tones, I sing one
of my favorite sacred
arias , Schubert’s Wiegenlied OP #2,
Milli Cherubini in Cuori . My voice is rusty. I haven’t sung
this aria in at least a year. By the time I finish for the third
time, Gail is sleeping peacefully. I look down at the hand I am
holding and wish I could tell her the truth. In my heart, I know I
will never have the joy of acknowledging her as my daughter. It
would destroy her young life. I kiss the hand that I am holding,
adjust her blanket, and when I turn to leave the room, Adam is
standing in the doorway.
    Adam stood in the doorway
and fought the urge to throttle his brother once again. He could
not ignore the fact that his brother loved Gail. He walked up to John and placed a hand on his shoulder.
Whispering, he said, “Come out into the hallway. I want to speak to
you.”
    Adam bent down to kiss Gail and left
the room. “Why are you here John?”
    “Why would I not be here?
You know why I am here. I do not play games, Adam. I only want
what is best for my….for Gail. We have to resolve this one way or
the other.”
    Adam’s hands balled into
fists. “You may be Gail’s biological father, but you will never
have a father-daughter relationship with her. I am the only parent Gail has known, and you will stay away from her.”
    “I have already spoken to
Father O’Connell and I told him the truth. Gail is my daughter, and no amount of arguing or fist fighting is going to erase
that fact . How we deal with the truth is what
matters now.”
    Gail, hearing voices
outside her room opened her eyes. Her father and Uncle John were
within hearing distance. Her father sounds angry. Why is he raising his voice to Uncle
John?
    “Do you want to know how
I’m going to deal with the truth? I am going home to take care of
my traumatized wife. I will help her cope with the memories of that
night. The memories are coming back to her. How do you think my
daughter will handle the fact that her precious uncle,