The Dark Lord's Handbook by Paul Dale Page B

thousand rainbows he would have something to show Griselda.
    The sword began to shake. The hand that held it seemed to waver, as though beckoning. The position of the sun and the fact that the water had been stirred into a murky blackness made it hard to see anything beneath the wrist. Could there be someone down there?
    Bubbles broke the water’s surface and the hand was definitely trembling. More bubbles came to the surface and then the hand arched back before sweeping forward and releasing the blade. The sword rose into the air, the weight of the hilt sending it into an end over end spin. Edwin was transfixed as it spun in slow motion towards him. At the last second, he had the good sense to step to one side and the sword buried itself in the earth where he had been standing a split second before.
    From the lake there was an eruption and a great bulk rose, covered in weed; a behemoth that surely had been dwelling in the lake’s depths for centuries. It spluttered and shook, sending muddy water and weed in every direction. Edwin could see more clearly now that it was no behemoth from the depths but in fact a woman of not inconsiderable bulk. She stood up to her knees in the water and placed her hands firmly on cliff-like hips.
    “Well don’t stand there gawping,” she bellowed. “Help me out of here!”
    Without hesitation, Edwin sprang into the lake and helped the woman out. A thousand questions rose in his mind but they could wait until she was on dry land. Once there he took off his shirt and handed it to her so she might dry herself off.
    As she did, he could see she was checking him out. He was quite used to this. It was hot in the smithy and he often worked shirtless, even with the hazard of sparks. In the past few years, it had drawn some attention from the village girls. All but Griselda. Perhaps a physique that looked like it was hewn from granite was not her thing. Maybe she didn’t like a washboard stomach and a hairless chest (what hair there was tended to be singed off). He was not deterred though. He’d been told he was attractive to women often enough to believe them, though he didn’t see it himself. He thought six feet and five inches was far too tall. His jaw was too square for his liking, and the grey paleness of his blue eyes was watery. He cared not for his looks and if good looks were not Griselda’s thing then perhaps his poetry and charm could win her.
    Nevertheless, whoever this woman from the lake was, she was definitely giving him the eye.
    “Very nice,” she said at last, tossing the shirt aside. She regarded him quite openly, like he was a plough horse. Water dripped from the hem of her embroidered gown. Edwin took the quality of the cloth and workmanship as a sign she was a well moneyed lake dweller. “You’ll do,” she continued. “I dare say, you’re going to break a few hearts along the way but you’ve definitely got the…well, you’ve got it.”
    Edwin wasn’t sure how he should reply, and believing that when there was nothing definite to say then it be best left unsaid, he did just that.
    “Bit quiet though. Do you know who I am?”
    “A Lady from the lake?” With only the facts to go on it was the best he could surmise.
    “And so sweet,” said the Lady smiling. “No. Well, yes. In a manner of speaking but not exactly the Lady from the Lake, but a lady from a lake is close enough. I am the Countess of Umbria.”
    She pushed a hand forward with a ring on it and Edwin dropped to his knee to kiss it.
    “At your service,” he said, rising to his feet and bowing in the manner he had read described in fiction, and that was with a flourish that unfortunately caught the countess in the stomach and would have put her on her bottom if she had been less substantial and able to keep her feet.
    “Steady there,” she said, taking a step back. “No need for all that.”
    “I beg your pardon.”
    The Countess continued to look at him strangely and Edwin was at a loss. He