Who I Am by Melody Carlson Page A

gowns in the most noxious shade of blue, with an IV tube sticking out of her arm. And I've never been one to like hospitals in the first place, but it made me feel just horrible to see her like that. Fortunately, Ben handled the whole thing surprisingly well; he even cracked a couple of totally lame jokes that actually made her smile, but I could tell she was still in pain. I just wished Dad would hurry up and get home. I'd left him a BIG note on the kitchen table telling him tocall and come right over ASAP.
    It wasn't too long before Steph stopped by. She'd taken the morning off, and, after dropping Oliver at nursery school, came in to check on things. I was so relieved to see her, mostly because I didn't know exactly what to say to Mom. I mean, I didn't know if I should mention the baby, or if that would make her feel worse. In some ways it felt like déjà vu. (You know, where it seems like you've done this exact thing before.) And suddenly I remembered how helpless I'd felt when Beanie lost her baby. But then that was so totally different. Still I was feeling this familiar feeling of guilt, like maybe if I had wanted that baby more, then this whole thing wouldn't have happened. Now I know it sounds crazy and egocentric and just totally ridiculous, but that's honestly how I felt. And as a result, I was feeling even worse for Mom. It's like I was ready to do anything to turn back the clock and make this all work out right for her.
    So I went down to the lobby and just sat there and prayed and prayed–asking God to heal her so that she could get pregnant again and have that baby that she'd been so excited about. I was really feeling hopeful about the whole thing too, thinking this could turn out to be a really miraculous thing. Then Steph came down and met me in the lobby.
    “Did Tony tell you everything?” she asked, her eyes shadowed with concern.
    “Uh, yeah, I think so.” I tried to remember his exact words. “He said she had a tumor, but that it had beenremoved, and that it was probably benign, but they'd send it to be checked anyway. He sounded like everything would be okay. It will, won't it?”
    “Yeah, sure. But it's a little more involved than that. Your mom had to have a complete hysterectomy. And I think she's still feeling pretty upset about it.”
    I nodded dumbly.
    “You understand that that means she won't be able to have a baby, don't you?”
    I nodded again, although I hadn't been completely sure.
    “And even though she says things like she's really too old to be having a baby, I still think she's taking it a lot harder than she's letting on.”
    “That sounds pretty much like Mom.”
    “And it's hard for me to be that much comfort to her, because here I am pregnant, you know?”
    “Yeah, I can understand.”
    “So you might need to be the strong one here, Cate.”
    I swallowed hard, holding back new tears. “Sure, I can try to do that.” I was afraid to tell Steph how I'd just been praying for Mom to be completely healed–afraid that I'd burst into tears if I admitted how I'd just felt so certain that everything would be fine and Mom would have her baby by this time next year. And to be honest, I felt a little disappointed in God too.
    So Steph took Ben back to school, assuring him that everything was going to be okay, and I stayed with Mom until Dad got there around two o'clock. And it soundsbizarre, but it feels like I aged several years during those few hours. It's not like Mom and I talked that much or anything, but just being there and trying to be helpful and encouraging to her–it's like we'd switched roles. It was so weird. And I thought maybe that's why Beanie seems older a lot of the time, since she and her mom had switched roles so much over the years. But still it was weird.
    And I can't remember when I've been so glad to see Dad. It's like he just swooped right in and knew exactly what to do. Without even taking off his coat, he wrapped his arms around my mom and she just