You Don't Even Know Me by Sharon Flake

time to write that one.
    Dec. 25, 1 p.m.
    I texted the girl who needs to know when I’ll be done and over with. She wasn’t happy or sad about it. But she wanted too many details. Come watch. It happens at 7:00 , I wrote, lying. But I swear she would have come if I had given her our address.
    Dec. 25, 2 p.m.
    My parents say for me to quit pacing around and go do something. I am doing something. I’m waiting.
    Dec. 25, 4 p.m.
    Dinner was great! Dessert was too: cheesecake and chocolate raspberry pie just for me. I love surprises!
    Dec. 25, 4:30 p.m.
    I texted her. She never answered. I’ll send her Mr. E’s letter and she can post it. Now I know why Justin wanted Jennifer to have the note. You just want somebody, anybody, to know the truth.
    Dec. 25, 4:45 p.m.
    If I don’t do it, will I ever feel better?
    Dec 25, 10 p.m.
    TJ won’t leave my room. He’s been in and out of here since lunchtime. I’ll have to come up with a new date.
    Dec. 25, 11 p.m.
    Blog girl is not happy. She wants a rain date.
    Dec. 27
    I feel really good. Great. TJ and I went jogging in the snow. I made pancakes with Derrick. Then I went to the mall with Dad. I’m so glad I’m not dead!!!!
    Dec. 28
    Reynolds stayed all day. He is surprised at how happy I am. Killing myself was a stupid idea. No shower since I made the decision. Dirty clothes on the floor. The old me is back!
    Dec. 29
    All I want to do is go and go and go. Derrick and I made snow angels. Reynolds and I hit the mall, then went for pizza and ended up snowboarding with some kids from school. I haven’t even thought much about Justin today. And I asked my parents for paint to redo our room. Even Mr. E doesn’t bother me anymore. He texted me twice and I gave him a piece of my mind.
    Dec. 30
    Hung out with friends today. Couldn’t shut up. Couldn’t sit down. Had a blast. Tomorrow we go to the science museum. After that, bowling. Fun. I want to have fun, fun, fun, fun.
    Dec. 31, 6 a.m.
    Bad day.
    Dec. 31, 3 p.m.
    Still in bed.
    Dec. 31, 11:30 p.m.
    Justin on my mind. Another year without him.
    Black-eyed peas, rice and greens cooking on the stove. No appetite. A twin who’s really not a twin. Saw Mr. E yesterday. He winked when he passed me on the street. His wife never noticed. I deleted the letter I was writing to him. What’s the use?
    Jan. 1
    It is the worst—dying by rope. Being squeezed to death. Feeling the burn. Kicking and twisting; trying to come down; knowing you can’t get down. Spinning. The rope getting tighter, making you wish you were dead while you are praying to God you won’t die.
    TJ thinks diaries are stupid. He used to, until he found mine. And he found me. And they found out about Mr. E.
    March 12
    Twins are twins forever. Justin is dead, but not me. Weird 2 and Weird 3 will always be together. That’s what I tell people now. But I am happy not to be dead. Glad that our secret is out. No more pills. No more ropes. No way for Mr. E to hurt boys anymore.
    March 13
    The therapist says it’s okay to talk about Justin and Mr. E. To cry and be mad too. I didn’t do anything wrong, he says. And neither did Justin. I’m trying to believe that. It’s hard, some days.
    TJ says he would never keep a diary. But he bought this one for me anyhow. I am lucky, I told him this morning. I have two brothers, and a best friend—Reynolds— whose big mouth comes in handy sometimes.

I.
    What I like about you
    Your lips
    Your eyes
    Your thighs
    Wow
    II.
    You should have known
    To the guys on my block who told me not to tell,
    Oops.
    III.
    Too many girls
    To the girls who text me,
    Then get mad when I don’t text back,
    Oh well.
    IV.
    My ride
    I love my car
    I like you
    Don’t be hatin’ ’cause my car’s my boo.
    V.
    The first time
    The first time I kissed you
    Was the first time I kissed
    I’ll do better next time.

I’m not supposed to love you but I