Alex as Well by Alyssa Brugman

a shield.
    ‘I know I’m a freak,’ I continue. ‘That’s not what this is about. The reason I am here is not because I want to be a girl. I’m here asking for your help because I am a girl.’ I slap the post-it on the desk.
    Crockett holds the picture at arm’s length, squinting, his lips turned down. ‘And this is to scale, is it?’
    I narrow my eyes. ‘Are you trying to be funny?’
    Crockett freezes. ‘No, I…I…’ he stammers.
    I laugh. ‘Anyway, like I said, I don’t think I need surgery. I don’t think what’s there really needs changing. I don’t know if it would help my case, but there would probably be medical records or something, because I went to doctors when I was younger. But then there was this one time there were so many people looking, and my mum cracked the shits, and after that I didn’t have to have the examinations anymore.’
    Crockett is mortified by this whole conversation, but he’s doing his best. He clears his throat and writes notes.
    While we’re going to embarrassing places, ‘I can’t pay you,’ I tell him.
    He looks up from his notes to the piles of crap on his desk. ‘Can you paint?’ he asks.

21
    I’M SMILING TO myself on the train. I have a job. I’ll be painting Crockett’s place for four hours every Saturday afternoon until it’s done. It’s not glamorous, but it’s a job. My first job.
    Rrroxanne.
    I can’t wait to tell the girls. I’m wondering if I should ’fess up and say I’m just painting, or whether I could tell them I am doing work experience at a solicitor’s office. Amina would be more impressed by that. She will assume it’s because I want to be a lawyer.
    But now I’m going home, and I get an unpleasant rumble in my guts because I think my parents know a lot more about me than they’ve been telling me.
    For example, says Alex, if you don’t take your medication you’ll turn into a girl.
    Because that would suggest that ‘girl’ is the default setting, wouldn’t it? I mean, what the hell is going on here?
    I shift in my seat. I need to prepare myself to ask them.
    What are you going to say? Alex says.
    Hey, Mum, am I supposed to be a girl? Did you know that all along? So why are you totally freaking out, now that I want to be a girl? Shouldn’t you have been expecting this?
    Why are they insisting that I’m a boy? Why can’t they just let me be a girl? I don’t get it.
    There is sweat on my upper lip. My heart is beating too fast. I pull my sleeves over my knuckles and curl my fists into a ball. I’m not sure what is happening to me.
    I’m frightened, I tell Alex.
    Me too, he says.
    It’s sprinkling a little. I can see my reflection in the window. I’m pretending to look outside, but I’m actually looking at me, and then I blink because I’m not sure at first, but it looks like there is a hair growing from the end of my chin. It’s thick and sharp. I slap my hand over it.
    Has that been there all day? Longer? Shit, man!
    Pull it out, Alex suggests.
    But I can’t, because what if it doesn’t come out? And people will see me tugging on my chin. Dammit!
    Calm down.
    Calm down? I look like friggen Gandalf!
    Ok, then keep your hand over your chin all the way home.
    My phone trills and I pull it out of my pocket. ‘Whoolia!’ I say, plastering on a grin, because I heardsomewhere that you sound more confident if you smile when you answer the phone.
    I’ll tell her I’m an intern. That’s what I’ll say.
    I keep my thumb on my beard.
    It’s not a beard, it’s one hair.
    It’s a goddamn beard!
    ‘S’up?’
    ‘Are you a lesbo?’ she asks.
    I breathe in sharply. I put my hand over my chest, willing my heart to slow down, but I can still feel it thumping.
    Ty.
    I can imagine them sitting around in the playground. Ty would have told one of his mates who would have told another one of his mates and soon everyone would have known. I knew he would. Why did I tell him?
    Because you wanted the attention, Alex says. You’re