Catastrophe Practice by Nicholas Mosley

up the handpiece of a telephone which is on the right side of the machine. He begins to dial. The Barman speaks looking at the audience
.
    Put a nosebag on him and you couldn’t tell him from the one-legged horse.
    Waldorf is sitting facing the audience
.
    Geordie continues dialling — a dozen or so numbers
.
    The Barman listens, standing by Waldorf
.
    Once one didn’t wake up for three days. Papers piled up against his front door. Theycouldn’t get past his milk bottles!
    The Hostess has got down on her hands and knees and is picking up her pages from the floor. Harry watches her
.
    Geordie has finished dialling
.
    The Barman speaks to Waldorf
.
BARMAN
Like some soap?
WALDORF
And water.
BARMAN
How many lumps?
WALDORF
Four.
    Harry puts out a foot and, balancing delicately, lifts up, from behind, the skirt of the Hostess, who is collecting her papers from the floor. The Hostess becomes still
.
    The Barman moves back to the machine. He waits for Geordie, who is listening to the receiver. After a time Geordie puts the receiver down as if there had been no reply
.
    The Barman rolls his sleeves up. He takes hold of the machine
.
BARMAN
Now comes the big moment of the day. I love this machine, but I can’t satisfy it! I push it here — pull it there —
    He struggles with the machine: bangs it. Then he puts his arm round it as if trying to lift it. Then he bows his head and puts an ear against it
    â€” Bitch! I know you’ve got it!
    Then he seems to cry
.
    The Hostess has stood up. She grabs a bottle from the bar and hits at Harry with it
.
    Harry holds her arm: smiles
.
HARRY
Was there a lady on your aeroplane?
    After a time Geordie seems to think that Harry is talking to him
.
GEORDIE
Was there a lady on my aeroplane?
    The Barman speaks excitedly with his ear against the machine
.
BARMAN
I can hear it — kicking!
    The Hostess puts the bottle back on the bar
.
    Geordie is staring at Harry
.
GEORDIE
What time does it open?
HARRY
What —
GEORDIE
The museum.
    Harry stares at him
.
    Then the machine makes a whirring noise, as if of a ticker-tape machine, or computer. The Barman raises his head. He waits while a bit of paper comes out. Then he takes the bit of paper and seems to be reading it
.
    The Char says to Harry —
CHAR
My husband doesn’t get home till ten.
HARRY
What else does he do?
CHAR
He’s a university lecturer.
    Harry is watching the Barman
.
    The Barman screws the bit of paper up and throws it to the floor
.
    Harry clutches his arm where the Hostess has hit at him. Then he falls on to his hands and knees on the floor. He crawls to where there is the piece of paper
.
    Waldorf has looked round at Harry; then at the Char; then at the Barman; then at Geordie
.
    Geordie comes and stands behind him
.
    Waldorf faces front. He acts as if he has had a cue, and is lecturing —
WALDORF
I want to say something about the decent things of life. There has to be some morality beyond that of power and money There was once the English gentleman. He had long hair and wore a beard. He had nothing to do with tradesmen. He marched through the streets on Sundays —
    He breaks off as if he is uncertain that he has done the right thing
.
    Harry picks up the piece of paper and sits at one of the tables, left, reading it
.
    The Hostess, who has been watching him, goes out of the gothic door, left
.
    Then Harry screws the piece of paper up and throws it on to the floor again
.
    The Char comes and sits at the table, left, with Harry
.
CHAR
He’s — the only word I can think of — arid. I want to have a relationship with him, but I can’t. He wants me to dress up as Napoleon. I want to say — Kissey kissey make-up — but I can’t.
HARRY
You want him back?
CHAR
Yes.
HARRY
Then lay a trap —
CHAR
How?
HARRY
Dig a pit. Cover it with old milk bottles. Then when he comes to fetch his clothes —
CHAR
He won’t —
    Harry shouts —
HARRY
Then sell