Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

armed with my wife’s strengths and my weaknesses. I think both husbands and wives should do this; but since this book is directed at wives, I’m emphasizing your response, not your husband’s.
    Let me be brutally honest here: a husband married to a disappointed wife loses most of his motivation to improve his bad habits. Why do you think your husband worked so hard before you got married? Because he loved the way you adored him. He wanted to catch your attention, to impress you. And when he saw that you did notice and did appreciate him, it made him want to please you even more. He felt motivated to move by the way you adored him.
    The relational cancer of blatant disappointment will eat away any motivation for further change. Before you try to move your man, sit back, enjoy him, appreciate him, and thank God for him. Before you begin to think about what he needs to change, make an exhaustive inventory about what you want to stay the same. Then thank God for that — and thank your husband too.
    Get Fresh Eyes
     
    “Greg’s” greatest failure as a husband occurred more than a decade and a half ago. Despite working as hard as he could in a small ministry, money grew scarce. Greg’s wife, “Anne,” was shocked at how incompetent he seemed in comparison to her own father when it came to practical things. They had a young baby, so Anne expected more and more of Greg; yet he needed to spend many of his evenings in ministry.
    Greg gained considerable esteem from his work outside the home. Many people praised him, thanked him, and affirmed him for how they perceived God had used him in their lives. Yet at home, he always felt like the husband who didn’t earn enough money or couldn’t fix things or was always too tired.
    Do you see the diabolical trap being laid?
    Greg freely acknowledged himself as a less-than-stellar husband. He was still in his twenties, self-centered, and hadn’t learned how to love or appreciate a woman. In hindsight, he completely understands how his wife became so frustrated with him.
    Then Greg began working with a woman who shared the same vision for the ministry he had. Initially, he felt no physical attraction to this woman, so he let down his guard. But after a few months of working together, Greg went “over the line” emotionally. Scared of his thoughts, he foolishly went to the woman (when he should have approached another man in the ministry), explaining in a roundabout way that the two of them shouldn’t spend any more time together.
    The other woman wasn’t stupid. When Greg talked about how important his family was to him and how he didn’t want to endanger that, she could read between the lines.
    “So you mean — ,” she said, not finishing her statement, but both of them knew full well what she meant. The truth felt too shocking for two Christians to mention.
    “I can’t believe this,” she said. “You’re just so perfect — ”
    Those four words, “You’re just so perfect,” felt like the most potent drug Greg had ever known. Feeling unappreciated, disrespected, and taken for granted at home — and then hearing someone utter something so enthrallingly uplifting — literally sent him soaring.
    The relationship soon became a mess. Greg decided he could work through the attraction on his own, but, of course, he couldn’t.
    The relationship never became physical, but the emotional infidelity caused tremendous hurt. If not for the strong advice and correction of some godly men, as well as some noble choices made by the other woman, God only knows what might have happened.
    Without a doubt, Greg blundered badly. His wife’s perceived neglect did not drive him to this failure, nor does he blame the other woman. Greg freely admits his fault.
    I tell his story in the hope that its painful lesson might encourage other wives. You see, the same Greg disappointed one woman and enthralled another. One woman saw him with tired eyes, while the other saw him with fresh eyes.